Ever been in a relationship where you feel suffocated? Like you can't breathe through your wet little nose and your silly French bulldog nostrils. No?
Well this girl definitely knows the feeling.
Clare's bulldog Dutchie once again proved to be the star of this week's 'Married at First
Dutchie's comically timed apnoea sliced incisively through dialogue with an asthmatic wheeze/grunt to say what we're all thinking: Jono's not the one for us.
The pug's astute contribution would be cute if it wasn't caused by a horrific breathing condition that affects a fair proportion of these perpetually inbred dogs.
But to romance!
The pug's breathing difficulties are no doubt due to some sort of recently acquired anxiety issue brought about by Jono's arrival in Casa De Dog, or The Doghouse as it's become for Jono.
Clare and Jono seem entirely unable to have a conversation without it descending into a war over their yet-to-be born babies. It's fair to say there are few people in the world who can turn a fiesta into fireworks this quickly.
Here's an example:
Clare: "Your eyelashes are so curly".
Jono: "Yeah they're f****** massive they get STUCK in my eyes all the time".
Or try this doozie of a conversation:
Jono: "I've been to the gym every day this week, you can always find time".
Clare: "I love to work out but I expect if I was to have kids... you don't have time for that s***. I have time to wash the vomit out of my hair but that's kind of about it.
"I love being fit and healthy but I can't guarantee to you that after I've had a baby that's how I'm gonna be."
Awkies. And it gets worse. In this imaginary future with a made-up baby, it seems Clare's concerned Jono's cheating with an imaginary gym receptionist.
After an irreparable argument at the beach, they even fight about who gets to storm off.
Oh god. I think we all need a cheer up after living through that vicarious train wreck.
So, to put a smile on your dial, they say love is blind, which makes it hard to find each other's mouths.Suggest a correction