LIFE

The Biggest Concerns Men Face In A Relationship

Love. It's complicated.

07/06/2016 3:16 PM AEST | Updated 15/07/2016 12:53 PM AEST
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Why aren't we Allie and Noah yet?

Ariel and Eric. Carrie and Big. Allie and Noah.

While it's fun to dream about the sort of relationship that exists in the movies, the regular human world will show you that "happily ever after" sometimes takes more than a twist of fate followed by a dramatic rekindling of romance.

In real life, there's bitter anger, ugly crying and a whole lot of miscommunication.

And sure, as the saying goes it takes two to tango, but when it comes to the concerns that exist within a relationship, just how much do they differ between men and women?

According to Dr Dain Heer, author, mentor and life coach, there are fundamental differences between the types of concerns men and women feel in a relationship. Though, there is one all-encompassing concern that, if addressed, can somewhat resolve all of the other smaller, niggly issues.

When you make your partner the sole source of your life, you stop doing the things you enjoy and this leads to resentment towards both your partner and the relationship itself.

"When we try to create intimate relationships we tend to focus all of our attention on being intimate with our partner, but we lose the intimacy we have with ourselves, " Dr Heer told The Huffington Post Australia.

"By doing that, we stop being the person in the relationship the other person fell in love with. And we wonder why they don't like us anymore, and we don't like them," Heer said.

This notion of "giving ourselves up" in a relationship isn't new, but as Heer explains it's something that couples are naturally blind to.

"When you make your partner the sole source of your life, you stop doing the things you enjoy and this leads to resentment towards both your partner and the relationship itself," Heer said.

So is it really as easy (in the words of Biebs) as "loving yourself" for the sake of your relationship?

Well, yes. But as Heer explains, understanding the common differences in the concerns men and women face is also needed for entry into the fun and sparkly world of a solid relationship.

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Men Want To Be Cared For, Too

"For most men, when they're having what they consider to be a 'healthy sexual relationship', they are willing to contribute dynamically to both their partner and the relationship as they feel like their needs are being fulfilled," Heer said.

"Though often, they are searching for something more, which they are not quite sure of themselves," Heer said. Basically, nobody has ever taught men that it's okay to desire to be cared for, loved and nurtured. It's assumed by both men and women, that they are simply the providers.


'Talking It Out' Can Be A Burden (For Him)


It's cliché but true: women like talking about their problems. "The wonderful thing about women is when a woman has a problem she'll call her friends, talk through the problem and as soon as she has offloaded it and had somebody hear her, she's over it. We as men on the other hand, definitely have not been taught to communicate," Heer said.

There's a reason the result a woman gets from "talking it out" with her partner is vastly different from the result she gets from her friends.

"Often, the man will leave the conversation with all of the problems on his shoulders."

"The difficulty is as men, we've been taught that our job is to solve the problem. Somewhere along the way, it's become ingrained that if a woman tells you there's something wrong then, it's more than likely your fault. And it's probably your fault even if she didn't say it's your fault. And if it isn't your fault, at the very least it's your job to solve it," Heer said.

Sex Plays A Major Role In His Self-Worth

"For a lot of women once they're in a relationship they don't want to have as much sex," Heer said.

According to Heer as a result, this causes the man to disconnect from the relationship as he begins to feel like he is "less of a man".

"For men, one of their main concerns in the relationship is the sex and whether or not they're getting it. This tends to be a huge part of where they gain their self worth," Heer said.

It all comes back to communication, and as Heer puts it, men and women have two very different styles. It's simply about taking that into account and trying to meet somewhere in the middle.

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