This article exists as part of the online archive for HuffPost Australia, which closed in 2021.

8 Ways To Change Your Sex-Starved Marriage, According To Experts

Sex therapists reveal their best advice.
Want to get busy? Read on.
Tom Merton via Getty Images
Want to get busy? Read on.
Want to get busy? Read on.
Tom Merton via Getty Images
Want to get busy? Read on.

One reason so many couples are stuck in sexually frustrating marriages? They're uncomfortable talking about sex, said Erica Marchand, a Los Angeles-based psychologist specializing in sex and couples therapy.

"It's usually a very present issue on both partners' minds, but they don't discuss it," she told The Huffington Post.

So how do you address your lackluster sex life and get back to getting busy? Below, Marchand and other sex experts share their best advice for couples unsatisfied with their sex lives.

1. Get to the heart of why you're rarely having sex.

Increased intimacy and a renewed spark come from being honest and not denying or ignoring your feelings, said Kristin Zeising, a San Diego-based psychologist and sex therapist. Ask yourself -- and your spouse -- what has been causing you to put on the brakes?

"When you clear the air, you have the space to feel like a sexual being again," she explained. "Is it because of longstanding anger or resentment? Underlying medical issues, like illness, hormonal changes or depression? Pressures of work or daily responsibilities? Expecting that sex will 'just happen' will take you down a path of continued sexual disconnect."

2. Stop making excuses.

We make excuses for everything in our lives, from not going to the gym all week, to skipping friends' birthdays. Don't make excuses for why you're not having sex with your spouse, said Shannon Chavez, a psychologist who specializes in sex and couples therapy in Los Angeles.

"You just have to start small and go big -- desire doesn’t start at an accelerated pace," she told HuffPost. "It may have in the past, but generally desire is more responsive than spontaneous. Take small steps toward being more sexual each and every day."

3. Put "sex dates" on your calendar.

It may sound supremely unsexy to schedule in sex, but doing so could lead you to having regular, non-scheduled sex, Marchand said.

"All my clients hate 'scheduling' sex, but really, with the busy lives we all lead, there are rarely opportunities for spontaneous sex," she said. "Consider scheduling a date and letting your partner know in advance that you'd like to be sexual. Then have a nice date -- even at home -- and transition to sexy time."

4. Make your spouse feel wanted outside the bedroom.

Part of feeling sexual desire is about feeling desired, Chavez said. To that end, find ways to feel connected, loving and sensual with your partner throughout the day: Send that sexy text in the middle of the work day. Wrap your arms around him when he's making dinner.

"You have to make a point to show your partner you want them," Chavez said. "Most of the time in sexless marriages, there is a communication breakdown or mixed messages."

5. Start with a massage and work up to sex.

After years in a relationship, simply touching each other in an intimate way can be a game changer, Zeising said.

"Decide with your partner to take sex off the table for a few weeks and engage in sensual touching exercises instead," she said. "This can help take the expectation and pressure off sex and allow you to relax so that you can once again enjoy physical intimacy and connection."

So what exactly does a "sexual touching exercise" entail?

"Give your partner loving, affectionate touches from head to toe," Zeising explained. "Take turns initiating the exercise at least once a week for 20 minutes and negotiate the pace that works for the both of you."

6. You may have to work at getting in the mood.