Fashion Critical: The Hilarious Red Carpet Commentary Account

We interviewed the anonymous person behind the comedy.

09/09/2016 11:17 AM AEST | Updated 09/09/2016 1:54 PM AEST
Fashion Critical/Facebook
Prepare to LOL.

If you don't follow the account Fashion Critical on Facebook, you're in for a treat. (Though, if you're easily offended, maybe not.)

The account is run by an anonymous Australian who hilariously commentates red carpet fashions. We were able to use our journalistic skills to track down said person and have a chat.

You're a street sweeper from Bendigo, yes? Or is it Albury Wodonga?

Actually, you're mistaken. It's Gundegai. Though I'm never sure if I'm spelling it right. I'm just a simple street sweeper, you see. I started doing red carpet celebrity fashion critiques on Facebook several years ago for no good reason. For my friends I guess. I really don't know why. Now there are 35,000 people reading my nonsense. My identity is a secret. Mainly because it's more fun that way. But also because I have a day job that is quite different from FC and ne'er the two shall meet.

Regular followers will know the common terms you use. Can you explain some for us?

The best part about Fashion Critical is that it's become a community. I mean, we have actual private jokes among us! And somehow, as new people join, they figure them out. But here's a few:

DO YA HAIR: Pretty self-explanatory. Person has forgotten to do their hair.

CLOSE EM RIGHT UP: Person is inexplicably standing with their legs 70m apart.

SHOULDA CAUGHT THE BUS: Person's dress is creased in the crotch area. Presumably from sitting in car or limo on way to red carpet. If person had caught the bus, standing up, dress would not be creased for photo opp. Also known as "Crotch Whiskers".

BOOOOOOOBS: So many breasticles on display, you can hardly think straight.

TOESSSSSSSSS: Too often, toes look terribly awkward on the red carpet. They're usually exposed in open toed sandals. Usually with rather a high heel. This can result in toe splayage that can be rather unsightly. Listen, we all have toes, but they're weird little piggly wigglies aren't they?

Fashion Critical

What do you say to people who think your comments are mean?

It's become apparent that 35,000 people, through no self-promotion of my own, have found their way to Fashion Critical because they GET IT. It's funny. It's satire. We're taking the piss out of celebrity fashion -- these people get paid millions and loaned frocks and have stylists that make a living out of putting their outfits together. It's an entire commercial enterprise in its own right. For this reason, I feel that they've got a thick enough skin to deal with it.

My main goal is to make people chuckle. I try to keep it about the clothes and the styling and not about the humans inside them. I've had legendary people in comedy, who I really respect, message me and BEG to be critiqued because they love the page so much. There are fashion designer fans who WEEP with laughter when their designs are critiqued in Aussie albums. I too wouldn't care about being critiqued. It's FASHUN darlings, it's not the UNITED NATIONS. Lighten up.

I think the other thing that people might not get is that FC is a character. She's not a real person. She's a bitchy, witty, call it like she sees it, Joan Rivers type. She has no filter. I write most of the albums as fast as I can, so it's very stream of consciousness.

I also am VERY happy to say if I think someone looks SMOKING. Which I often do. I promise to be honest. If someone looks amazing, I'll say so. If their outfit looks like a pile of steaming sh!t, I'll have to say that too. And sometimes the FC army disagrees with me. And that's cool too. Fashion is very subjective. Two people can feel very differently about the same outfit.

Fashion Critical

In your opinion which celebrity gets it right?

In Australia, Jen Hawkins rarely puts a foot wrong. She's pretty much perfection every time she appears in public. It's maddening really. I promise I don't know who Bella Hadid is, but lately she's been looking exceptional.

Blake Lively is beyond the sun, the moon and the stars. She kills it, even when she's up the duff. She's a goddess. I love her more than a friend.

I think the fun thing is though, that even the best dressed celebs sometimes make poor choices. Or rather their stylists do. As mentioned, Fashion is totally subjective. They might look in the mirror and feel like a million bucks. But I might think they look like a dog's breakfast. That's my right. And theirs. It's art. It's the vibe. It's Mabo.

Which event is always hilarious for fashion commentary?

The Met Gala is always BEYOND. In a good way. It's HIGH fashion but people take bold risks. Always much to critique. Far more entertaining than the Oscars for example, which is always very safe."

People LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the Aussie albums. The Logies are always awesome, though Aussie celebs are really stepping it up in recent times so you don't get as many doozies as you did once upon a time.

If you want to see a bunch of train wrecks, tune into most music awards. The Grammy's, the VMAs, Billboard Awards. So much fun!

Fashion Critical

What is the ultimate red carpet no-no?

I think first and foremost, you need to dress for the event. Don't wear a ball gown to the Billboard Music awards. And don't wear ripped jeans to the Golden Globes. If you do, you'll look like a dick. CASE CLOSED.

In terms of the little things, I'd say DON'T SHOW YOUR VAGINA. Recently, a couple of women at the Venice Film Festival did not get this memo. I didn't like it and the feminist brigade went WILD. Let me be very clear. I'm all for people expressing their fashion tastes and their individuality, but I do not wish to see a woman's labia majora peeking through her dress, any more than I would like to see a man's testicles dangling forth from his tux. PUT. THAT. SHIT. AWAY. There are specific websites for that. Call me a prude, but that's how I roll. Thank you and regards.

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