There are two kinds of people: those who would never dream of doing anything remotely sexual in their family home and those who are horny (and brave!) enough to give it a whirl.
If you place yourself in the second category, below are some basic pointers to help you get busy this holiday season both discreetly and pleasurably.
1. Whatever you do, don’t forget to lock the door. Unless you want your little nephew barging in, asking why Auntie is “playing horsey” with her friend Doug.
2. Try to squeeze it in during the day while most of the family is downstairs cooking/day-drinking/watching football/hanging out. They’ll be none the wiser.
3. But if an afternoon delight isn’t your style, do the deed earlier in the evening before you’ve lowered your inhibitions with an entire bottle of wine. Remember, you must not be brazen in your endeavors.
4. Or use the inevitably tense conversation about politics as an opportunity to politely excuse yourself from the table and sneak upstairs.
5. Once you’re in the bedroom, turn down any family photos on your nightstand so that you don’t feel Granny’s penetrating gaze while you’re, er, doing some penetration yourself.
6. To muffle the sound of any pleasure noises, use your festive snowman socks as a gag and bite down. Hard.
7. The creaking noise your childhood bed makes when it rocks back and forth is a dead giveaway. May we suggest doing the deed standing up or on a blanket on the floor?
8. If you have a TV in your room, you can also drown out any noise by putting on “Home Alone” at a considerable volume. Other holiday movies will also do the trick.
9. Also, a friendly reminder to dispose of condoms with the utmost care and stealth. Nobody ― and we mean nobody ― needs to see that.
10. If you have kids, schedule a day outing with grandma and grandpa for them in advance. And use that time wisely.
Got all that? Now go forth and spread some holiday cheer of the below-the-belt variety.