Below are 21 hilariously relatable tweets that capture the realities of married life in 140 characters or less.
Me: We got invited to two parties this weekend.
Wife: Wow. We finally have friends.
Me: We’re skipping both, right?
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we're going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
If you've never said "bless you" thru gritted teeth you're probably not married.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget— Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 21, 2017
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Marriage is like taking medicine. Sometimes it taste like candy and sometimes it taste awful but generally you know it’s good for you.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) February 18, 2017
71% of being married is just sighing.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 10, 2017
I love that cute married thing we do where he uses the last of the coffee creamer & I die a little inside.— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) January 15, 2017
[Married sext]— Abam Droud (@AdamBroud) April 22, 2016
Wife: What are you wearing?
Me: Just my underwear 😉
Wife: So you still haven't done the laundry?
ME: No I have not
Marriage tip: you can't find anything because your wife moved it to the last place you'd look.— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 5, 2017
[getting dressed to go out]— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) January 16, 2017
WIFE: um, i think there's a hole in your shirt
ME: yeah, there are four holes, jen. that's how shirts are made
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]— Jon (@ArfMeasures) February 21, 2017
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You're getting heavier
me *walks into living room with 2 beers*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 20, 2017
wife *takes one* Thanks
me [upset that she just took one of my beers] You're welcome
*my dog whimpers in her sleep* omg so cute— ol (@dulcetry) June 24, 2015
*husband breathes in his sleep* SHUT THE FUCK UP
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) October 25, 2015
MOM: Honey, for the last time you're not at a sleepover. You're married.
My wife's a lot hotter than someone you'd think would have the sex with me.— Ol' Boo Cocky (@MondayPajamas) January 31, 2017
Still waiting for my husband to apologize for what he did in my dream last night.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) January 28, 2017
My wife and I did some role playing in the bedroom last night. She was Interior Designer and I was Furniture Mover.— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 6, 2016
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven't had to spend any money.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 8, 2017
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Husband's asking "what else" I did today as tho eating an entire sleeve of Ritz crackers isn't noteworthy on its own.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) February 21, 2017
I'm no Christian Grey but from time to time I've been known to deviate from the grocery list my wife gives me.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 13, 2017
My wife stopped a fire at work and saved the whole lab.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 16, 2017
I caught an M&M in my mouth on the third try.
It's been a big day for both of us.