The Chaser Quarterly's 'The Official Guide to Bad Parenting' is on sale from Monday the 17th of April.
The funny guys from The Chaser deliver a tongue-in-cheek take on the parenting guide books, with some very useful information peppered throughout.
Here, Jazz Twemlow's sexy guide to trying to conceive, in his own words.
Many couples still trying to get pregnant believe that one of the greatest bores of having a child is the sex, but nothing could be further from the truth. There are far more tedious tasks awaiting you in the decades following the initial act of coitus. 'Sex-for-pregnancy' should be a sacred task, not least because it's the last time you'll have regular sex for a decade.
Originally invented by Catholics in the 4th century so we'd have something to feel ashamed about, sex has since evolved into an activity that 50 percent of us enjoy. The wonderful world of coitus can be tricky to navigate as there are now multiple varieties, from vaginal and anal, to oral and tentacle, and contrary to what you might have seen on the internet, the purpose of sex isn't to destroy a pizza, but to create a miracle.
Creating a life, however, is not the same kind of miracle as those ones that Jesus did. If they were, Jesus would have had to try multiple times to turn water into wine, most of them failing, until, sleep-deprived and with aching Christ balls, He finally produced a screaming bottle of pinot at His 26th attempt.
That's right, pregnancy sex can become so frequent and automated, that your combined genitalia might eventually fuse into some sort of squishy clock. It might get monotonous, tedious, and a bit of a chore, so we at The Chaser Quarterly have come up with these tips to help you get through the slog, so you can get to the joy of a baby who's going to ruin your life.
TRY DIFFERENT POSITIONS
Using the same position over and over again can make things more tedious and drain the life out of your sexual escapades. While watching YouTube videos on your smartphone as you mindlessly thrust away at each other for the 9th time this cycle, be sure to tilt your phone from landscape to portrait for a little bit of variety. Some things will become harder to see in portrait as they'll have been made smaller, forcing you to squint at the screen a bit. This extra focus will bring you more 'in the moment', heightening the tension and your excitement.
FIRM WRIST ACTION
You're no doubt going to be checking your watch on a minute-by-minute basis some days, and some couples fail to keep this up, tapping out early due to achy joints. Be sure to use wrist-strengthening exercises so you can keep this up without getting tired.
LINGERIE
By now you'll be bored to tears by the mere sight of your ovulation calendar, with its mockery of both your genitals' freedoms. Each day, date, and time will seem bland and completely disconnected from the sexy mood, and will instead seem like textual representations of the time continuum. This is bad, as the mere sight of the 22nd of August, or the 13th of September should have you both steaming and ready to go. Dates are sexy. Schedules are hot things with which you have become familiar will seem sexier if decorated in something lacy, something hot! Adding some lacy panties, a négligée, or even some fluffy handcuffs to your colour-coded wall calendar, will imbue it with a bit of mystery and erotic intrigue, re-injecting a bit of magic in between the sheets... of paper.
SET THE MOOD
Try heightening the moment with paraphernalia that remind you of the passionless goal you're attempting. Candles can help create a bit of atmosphere, but are they creating the right one? Ones scented with lavender oil or jasmine might make you think this is romantic sex -- instead, try nappy-scented candles, or an oil-burner that's been infused with the pungent body odour of two tortured adults who haven't slept for days.
PORN
Your eroded groins are now on a metronome-themed marathon and may need some visual inspiration to help you both get in the mood. We suggest something that'll put you in mind of an epic sporting achievement, by listening to some romantic music, while watching an entire Olympic opening ceremony. Preferably the Chinese one, where everything ran like clockwork, thanks to the emotionless efficiency of a brutal regime.
WEIRD PLACES
You may not be able to cram all this sex in, so we recommend multitasking. While you're having sex, why not pick out all the items you need for a nursery? To get pregnant and do all this shopping, you might want to try having sex in a Baby Kingdom or Baby Village. The prams should keep you covered and you can use Wibbles the Puffin Humidifier to create a concealing mist about yourselves as you go about methodically rutting and getting some items ticked o your shopping list at the same time.
There's nothing hotter than efficiency! And once you've done that, try having sex while building your child's nursery. Thousands of babies have been conceived over the years, during makeup sex, after a horrible argument sparked by the construction of an IKEA flatpack crib.
There you have it. Just follow these steps and you'll be well on your way to the sort of mechanical baby-making sex that would make the human-harvesting machines in 'The Matrix' proud.
The Official Guide to Bad Parenting, $12.95, available now.
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