It seems impossible to condense the diverse experiences of married life into just 140 characters or less. But somehow these husbands and wives did it ― and with humor too!
Below, 27 marriage tweets that are right on the money.
Wife: I'm going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
"You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much, he makes her coffee," I explain to my kids while looking at my husband.
WIFE: the dishwasher still needs to be emptied
ME: oh I didn’t realize
MICROWAVE: he knew
[kissing]— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) April 10, 2017
Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?
Me: *breathy whisper* I'm not wearing your shirt
Before marriage, men would wander parking lots aimlessly because they had no one to point out the open spots.— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 26, 2017
You'd think my husband would like it when my 8yo beatboxes as I do the robot but NOOOO he's on a "conference call" and we're "distracting."— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 7, 2016
wife: Drive safe— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 10, 2017
wife *sends text*
wife *sends another text*
wife *sends another text asking why I'm not responding to her texts*
Marriage is about sitting down and discussing our options like adults until we can both agree on my original opinion.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 25, 2017
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?— Floyd (@dafloydsta) March 30, 2017
ME: I will.
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Wife: Were you drunk last night?— ⓛⓐⓜⓔ ᗪᗩᗪ (@jergarl) March 22, 2017
Me:*recalls ordering 59 tacos and losing them* A little, why?
W:*opens sock drawer full of tacos
[my wife and I reach for the last chicken wing at the same time] I swear to god I will divorce you— rob elliott (@rockymomax) April 9, 2017
Wife: What's wrong?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2017
Me: I'm having an existential crisis.
Wife: When you're done, take out the garbage.
[Husband 911]— Twin Dad (@TwinSurvivalist) January 3, 2017
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She'll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
911: Good luck
* Click *
Me: the book is so much better— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 17, 2017
Wife [pauses Shrek 3]: can you stop interrupting every 2 minutes
Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown*— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 5, 2017
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35
I'll be on my deathbed and my husband will still say, "Oh man. I've got the worst cold ever. The. Worst."— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) March 22, 2017
My wife got me a beer with lunch without even asking me in case anyone wants to know what true love looks like.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 19, 2017
Me: I'm glad I got married. Everyone needs a sidekick.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 22, 2017
Wife: Good point, Robin.
*looks over shoulder*— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 16, 2017
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*
Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 2, 2017
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
My fantasies include my husband clearing the dishes while I have an uninterrupted bath, incase you're wondering how long I've been married.— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) April 11, 2017
When you're dating, you message your partner about sex & fun date ideas. When you're married, it's about breakfast cereal iron content.— My Name is Mommy (@mommywhitfield) March 10, 2017
*wife and I staring at our tax refund*— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) March 23, 2017
Wife: Do you know what we can do with this?
Wife: Pay off credit cards...
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 23, 2016
Me: [recreating "You Better Shape Up Scene" from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You're home early.
Hello couchness my old friend— Jack C (@Jack_C44) December 27, 2016
I've come to sleep on you again
Because a wife softly seething
Hates the fact that I'm breathing
My husband and I are playing a team sport where one game lasts 18 years. The rules are unclear and instead of Gatorade we drink wine.— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) October 18, 2016
Wife: Will you please put your phone away?— Dan (@DanorSlim) April 7, 2017
Me: *puts phone away
Me: *starts talking to my wife
Wife: *hands me my phone