For some women, deciding whether or not to change their name after marriage strikes up an internal struggle. For others, itâs barely a decision at all.
Regardless of where you sit on the spectrum, the name you choose should be down to you and you alone, but that probably wonât stop friends, family and colleagues commenting on it - especially if you decide to shirk tradition.
A Mumsnet thread recently went viral after a woman said her mum objected to her decision to keep her first surname, claiming she wouldnât have âa real marriageâ unless she took her partnerâs name.
The thread is a reminder that even in 2017, this is still a contentious issue. Yawn.
In light of this, we spoke to six women who chose to keep their name about how their spouse and wider family reacted to the decision.
Jenny Laville
Comedy writer, 40.
âIt never occurred to me to change my name. Itâs not my maiden name itâs my name. Why would I change it?
âMy surname is unusual and is a big part of my identity, I have a close family and having a different name would have made me feel less a part of it. I have never thought it is romantic to change your name. Just an inconvenience.
âI am a feminist, but I canât honestly say that the idea of âownershipâ was an issue for me, I donât think that women who do change their name are less feminist. I just think it is one of those marriage traditions - like wearing white, or being given away - that some people do and some people donât. I couldnât think of a single reason why I shouldnât.
âMy husband couldnât care less, why would he? No one has ever taken issue with me for keeping my name. A couple of people chose to call me by my husbandâs name for a couple of years, which I found a bit rude, so I just wouldnât reply until they used my name, which they now do.â
Pragya Agarwal
Researcher at University of Liverpool and business owner at hedgeandhogprints.com, 40.
âMy name is a huge part of my identity and my family lineage and I did not wish to lose that. I also am an academic with several publications and am known by this name professionally and therefore it did not make sense for me to change it.
âI think it is such an outdated notion for women to change their surnames and as a modern woman and a feminist, it is something that I do not agree with.
âMy husband had no issues with it and in fact, he expected it from me that I wouldnât want to change my maiden name.
âI think a good compromise can be having a double-barrelled surname so it means that your children can have the same double-barrelled surname as yours, otherwise it can become a tricky issue.â
Berenice Mulvanny
Barrister, 31.
âIt seems to be the unwritten rule that all barristers go by their maiden name. Unlike other professions where clients/colleagues are expected to get used to a change in name, it appears as if the Bar, judiciary and the type of clientele I deal with as a criminal barrister are unable to cope with such a change.
âWe spend a long time building up a reputation in our maiden names and donât want to start from scratch. I am plastered across Google for successfully and sometimes unsuccessfully defending or prosecuting some unpleasant crime and a change of name would be very counter-productive to my career development. Besides, my husbandâs name is Paul Bigmore and Berenice Mulvanny has a slightly better ring to it than Berenice Bigmore!
âPaul was disappointed and said âIâm not happy about it but I understandâ. He hopes I will change my mind eventually. The only thing that makes me question my decision and whether I will maintain it is we are now the proud parents of a baby boy and plan to have more in the future.
âPaul loves pointing out that I will have a different name to my children at school. There is also the presumption that people are judging you when you say you have a different surname. I always have to fight to urge to shout âI am married to his father you know!ââ
Isabelle Demaude-Yau
PR consultant, 27.
âIâve always been very attached to my maiden name. Itâs unusual and harks back to my French heritage, which I didnât want to lose touch with. I saw it as a large piece of my identity, and I didnât see why my identity needed to change because I was getting married.
âEveryone was very supportive of my decision to double-barrel - itâs a good compromise, embracing the coming together of two families. Thatâs what marriage is after all.
âI absolutely intend to hold on to my maiden name. It encompasses my history, my present and I believe my future. Iâm the person I always was and I think double-barrelling is enough to acknowledge that Iâm moving forward with someone special by my side.
âOn my marriage certificate, driving license and other official documents, I applied to have my name amended. On my passport, however, I made a specific request to be known by both my married double-barrelled name and my maiden name, which I use professionally and in most other circumstances. Itâs a relatively simple process, but it did feel like a lot of effort for adding three letters to my name.â
Lizzy Harley
Writer and blogger at songofthestitch.com, 30.
âI donât remember making a conscious decision to keep my maiden name as I was growing up, I just knew that I wouldnât ever change it. My mum kept her name after marriage, so for me changing your name wasnât a big feminist statement so much as one of the many choices you make around marriage, such as where to live, how to manage finances, or what flavour cake to have. A woman could change her name if she wanted to, but it wasnât mandatory.
âWhat I have come to believe very strongly is that whether a woman keeps her name or not is entirely her choice and I would be a pretty rubbish feminist if I didnât support that choice. Some of my dear friends have changed their names because they wanted to and I fully support them in making that decision.
âMy husband has known me for almost twenty years and has always been my biggest advocate and champion, so he wasnât surprised in the slightest and has entirely supported my decision. I did (cheekily) suggest that a true demonstration of equality would be for us both to change our names - perhaps a hybrid of the two? - but he wasnât so keen on that idea. To be fair, our names do not hybridise that well.
âI donât think my friends and family were surprised at all. Iâve always been quite outspoken about my views and they were all extremely supportive. I occasionally get post addressed to me under my husbandâs name, but itâs not unkindly meant.â
Charlotte McCandlish
Bibliographic data manager, 45.
âItâs not my âmaidenâ name (such a patriarchal word), itâs one part of the name my parents gave me when I was born so itâs âmeâ. Itâs an intrinsic part of who I am, itâs my identity. Our marriage is an equal partnership and I wasnât going to willingly lose part of my identity just because Iâd signed some legal documents.
âInitially my husband was slightly taken aback â purely because itâs a centuriesâ-old tradition and he actually hadnât thought about it. But pretty much immediately he understood and even started a conversation about the possibility of him changing his last name to mine (which I vetoed because he has three children from a previous marriage so changing his last name away from their last name wouldnât be a wise or nice thing to do).
âMy family didnât bat an eyelid, probably some of my more traditional extended family were confused by it, but who cares?
âMy husbandâs family is generally very conservative and they werenât comfortable about this â I was questioned about it and it was made clear this was unusual, it provoked discussion. Luckily my future stepdaughter has the same first name as me, so I was able to placate them by using that as an excuse: that there was already a Charlotte Ward, so it wouldnât do to have another one.
âKind of ironic that by not making a change, I caused such upset. To be fair to them, they totally accept it now, although one of my sisters-in-law still insists on addressing greetings cards to me as âCharlotte Wardâ â part in jest.â