LIFE

Mum's Graphic (Yet Hilarious) Account Of Giving Birth Includes S***ting The Bed And Having Stitches

'It has to be one of the most ugly things ever.'

16/06/2017 7:04 PM AEST | Updated 16/06/2017 7:21 PM AEST

A mum has given a graphic account of what happens to a woman’s body while giving birth and didn’t hold back with the details. 

Jordan Kennedy, from Ireland, was encouraged to air her thoughts on childbirth after watching Channel 4’s ‘One Born Every Minute’.

“It got me thinking how rotten is it giving birth,” she wrote on Facebook on 7 June.

“It’s some buzz when the baby’s out but seriously, being in labour has to be one of the most ugly things ever.” 

David Aaron Troy via Getty Images

Kennedy started off by saying all women begin labour with clean pyjamas and smiles, but as soon as the contractions start, things go down hill.

“Yar [sic] hair’s scraped back like Dog the Bounty Hunter, you end up wearing a nappy that could absorb the pond, you try so hard to keep your dignity so your man will still want you despite what’s about to happen but as the hours go on, you’re sucking on the pain relief like a junkie, screaming for someone to just cut your throat and end it all,” she wrote.

And then it’s time to push.

“You’re wishing to god you hadn’t just farted in front of your boyfriend coz [sic] now he knows you fart, but trying to keep your thoughts away from the fact you just shat the bed,” Kennedy continued. “You just take the next available pain relief to block out the embarrassment.

“That doesn’t work so you call the dad a bastard through a voice that has once been heard in the WWE wrestling ring, and out pops a giant head and your arse feels like it’s been set alight before the shoulders [come out].”

But it doesn’t finish there...

“Everyone’s happy the baby [is out], let’s just all pretend he’s not blue and got a big cone head,” she continued.

“You take a moment to yourself and some dodgy midwife who has not slept in 35 hour tries to set about your vagina with a needle and thread.”

She finishes the description with: “It’s a pure magical moment for a woman.”

Speaking to HuffPost UK, Kennedy said: “I wrote it because I wanted mums and dads to relate. Sometimes we worry about losing our dignity during labour when in reality, it’s something most mums go through and most dads see.”

She also said she wanted people to see the humour of things that no one talks about after having a baby.

“The responses I’ve had have been really positive, a lot of [the women] have been through labour and messaged me to say they find what I said very accurate,” she added.

Kennedy’s post was shared more than 11,000 times in a week.

The majority of comments come from women tagging friends and partners with laughing emojis.

“Brilliant, I really needed that,” wrote one mum. “And as a matter of fact, couldn’t have put it better myself.”

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