As the dust settled on the full frontal lobotomy that was the premiere of 'Yummy Mummies', episode two was hot on its designer heels and this time the big day was here.
It was time for Adelaide's biggest baby shower.
The Melbourne mums-to-be Rachel, Lorinska and dear sweet Jane arrived early at the second largest room to check out just what Adelaide mum-to-be Maria had in store. Of course, the glamour queen of understatement has a throne ready and waiting for her as well as a huge tiered cake.
Melbourne's "exclusive mother's group" take turns jamming their fingers into the cake to check to see if it's real or not. This is possibly the first time any of them have encountered food.
As the fifty or so guests rock in, it's time for Maria's understated entrance. In a horse and carriage. "Why doesn't this have air conditioning?!" Maria screams at the great outdoors. "I have the air-conditioning on when I have the windows down in my car," she tells a quietly weeping Al Gore.
In perfect Maria style she runs through what the Melbourne mums are wearing, missing a perfect opportunity to point out that in her solid block of blue, Rach looked like she had just chewed on some of Willy Wonka's experimental gum.
Maria also struggles to insult Jane because Jane is still way too normal for this show.
Feigning ignorance like she hasn't developed serious RSI from stalking the MelbouneYumMums account, "you should take photos for your... Is it... Mel... bourne... yam... marms???" Maria then drops the mic announcing she's started her own Instagram: AdelaideYumMum. No plural, just her.
Maria's mum Margherita added, "There ain't one person like Maria. Nobody's going to come on top of that one." Anyway that's a quote we're leaving right there.
Here's where this show took a sharp turn from kind of funny to a little sad. Maria begins to expose herself for being obsessed with the @MelbourneYumMums account, asking them rapid fire questions about months old photos. It's like going on a first date and accidentally blurting out that you learned their entire family tree via Facebook stalking. It's not a cute look.
Instead of a baby shower, Rachel had a "baby BBQ", which baffles Maria.
"Is that a new thing?"
"Yeah, you've never heard of it?"
"I'm only just hearing about this, 'baby BBQ" Maria says out loud, as if she's only hearing English words out loud for the first time, her mouth contorting in confusion. "Baby BBQ," she says again, almost in pain.
And then, as if by divine intervention, Margherita stands up with brightly coloured cue cards. Let the surprises begin. It's true what they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Are there two more frightening words in the world than "audience participation"? The Melbourne mums are called to the front of the second-largest room, handed inflatable guitars and forced to dance to the 'Time Warp'.
Marghertia then promises an "even better" surprise, her Meghan Trainor inspired lip sync to "Dear Future Husband". She was intermittently joined by two men in matching plaid, or two young girls with bright pink bows in their hair. It's like a glimpse into Honey Boo Boo's future.
Just when you thought things had reached an unreachable level of class, in walks "Donatella Versace". For no reason whatsoever, this classy Versace themed baby shower (not to be confused with a baby BBQ!!!) has a man in bad drag screaming about his best friend Maria. It's truly wild.
After this series of previews of what the seven circles of hell truly look like, Lorinska sees it as the perfect time to invite Margherita and Maria to her baby shower in Melbourne. The saga continues.
Back at Maria's house she's literally taking inventory of the gifts she received, furious her guests didn't stick to the brief of simply giving her money or gift vouchers. Some people selfishly bought her gifts they thought she might want or need. People can be so cruel.
Luckily her partner Carlos has one last surprise for her, the two head upstairs in matching bath robes. "I know you don't like flowers," he tells her, "so I got you a bouquet of money". He's also taking her on a babymoon, which is like a honeymoon except there's a pregnancy involved so you can't even get drunk so... what's the point?
In Melbourne, the ladies head to the set of all of the Saw movies to learn about 'calm birth'. A pleasant woman whispers platitudes at the mums like "there's a lot more to birth than just the baby you're given at the end of it". Poor Jane was busy making a mental list of all the ways she could have spent her time better.
As Jane is lulled into a pleasant sleep, Margherita and Maria head to a "trendy pub" to chat about Lorinska's upcoming baby shower.
"I can imagine the bogans that'll be there," Maria says just before calling the kettle black. "I wanted to wear a crown," she quickly adds.
Then, the moment we've all been waiting for. Maria, a pregnant woman, and her mother are both confronted and disgusted by a woman breastfeeding in public. The woman sits there as the two gawk and mock in what is clearly a set-up by the production, but that doesn't stop the pair from having a complete meltdown. "Breastfeeding in public, for me, is illegal, you just don't do it" Maria says, not understanding how laws work.
"It's just not classy," the woman who performed a Meghan Trainor dance routine at her daughter's baby shower says to producers who are probably lapping it up. "The boobs are supposed to be a sexual thing," Margherita continues, "not really out there like that. It takes all the womanly part of you away."
Sure, because what's less womanly than breastfeeding your child. The whole moment is ridiculous, and like the rest of the show utterly contrived.
Meanwhile, back in the calm birth warehouse Lorinska can't wait to be doing literally anything else and poor Jane is basically asleep in her fold-out chair.
Jill continues to run the Melbourne mums through calm birthing techniques, showing how their uterus can grow from the size of a pear to the size of a watermelon or displaying birth using a grapefruit and a tubesock. It's unclear if Jill is running the ladies through the miracle of birth or just trying to build a tax deductible fruit salad.
In the final thrilling minutes, Maria and Carlos are packing for their babymoon wearing matching shirts. Carlos watches as his pregnant wife holds up designer item after designer item, lamenting that she needs food every hour on the hour.
After the immense pressure and stress of trying to find a comically large clutch to fit all her demands into, Maria sighs and lets out a quiet, "Gosh... It's just -- I'm pregnant, and I need everything done for me".
Truly extraordinary stuff.
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