Before the show officially even started we've already seen Matty J shirtless on the beach, and an angered Bachelorette spitting out the words "I'm not here to make friends".
Welcome to season five of 'The Bachelor'.
First off we're reintroduced to this season's bachelor, 'The Bachelorette' runner-up, Matty J. Remember when Georgia Love ripped Matty's heart out and threw it into an infinity pool in Singapore?
Matty is shown shirtless on a beach (again), before he's shown being a big ol' family man, hugging babies, hugging babies shirtless (again) and talking about how important love is. They're not holding back this season at all.
Matty finally put a shirt on and headed to the Bachelor Mansion where all the magic happens, and by magic we mean Osher Günsberg's glorious hair. Finally.
The first of the hopeful bachelorettes to arrive at the Bach Mansh is Alix, a professional body painter. Alix's profession means at any time she could be holding a pile of snakes OR they could just be painted on her arms! Matty will never know the true Alix unless all their dates are swimming dates.
Tara was the second to arrive, she's a nanny so she's around kids all the time, and she can't wait to have a family of her own. She also said she's looking for someone chill, someone who won't mind if she sings for five hours on a road trip. 'Highway to Hell' comes to mind.
Third to arrive is Laura, a jewellery designer from Sydney. "Wow," Matty said for the third time. Laura nails the first meet, even mentioning that she thought about bringing a cob loaf as a greeting gift. Laura is then ushered into the "finalists" booth.
Fourth out of the limo is a bunch of love heart balloons. Following them is Cobie, she inhales a huge breath of helium before introducing herself. Cobie washes coal for a living. "You're probably the prettiest girl who has ever worked in the mines," Matty says forgetting that the seven dwarfs all have feelings too, man.
Simone, Elise, Monica, Laura-Ann (who is looking for someone to make her "ovaries tingle"), Elizabeth, Steph, Sharlene, Stacey and Sian and Jennifer all get washed over in a montage. Jennifer, the last of the bunch, took up most of the time talking about how she's always wanted to be dipped which SOUNDS like something that includes an entire bath full of hummus but she just meant the dance move.
As the next limo pulled up a voice can be heard, "Oh god, it's Matty J," Natalie says before heaving a few times, but it's like... a good kind of heaving? She describes herself as "batshit crazy" and no one debated her on that. Natalie admitted that her last relationship was with a woman. "I'm not going to say he turned me straight again," Natalie said, "but he turned me straight again" she said before talking about stalking Matty both on Instagram and in real life.
Unlike most of the bachelorettes, Michelle drove herself to the mansion, in a police car. She didn't steal it, she's a police officer. Matty explains that he was once thrown in the back of a police car for peeing in a bush. Natalie, probably hiding in a bush nearby, does a fist pump. "Do you want me to do it to you?" Michelle says, before showing Matty how she'd arrest him.
Belinda forced Matty to look in her eyes without talking for a minute. It's very awkward, and to be honest it looks kinda boring, Matty hated it. She reveals she's a love coach, and that's an exercise to get to know someone. Matty looked unconvinced.
Florence was next and she surprised Matty with a pair of wooden clogs, not just because she hates stylish footwear, but because she's from Holland. Someone who could USE the clogs, Akoulina, is barefoot and arrives after Florence. She's a rhythmic gymnast so she arrives twirling a ribbon. Bring back the love coach, everything got awkward again.
Then there's Lisa, who describes herself as a "huge beast", because she's tall, but she gets the "dreamboat" treatment, which is where the bachelor or bachelorette of the season is "giddy" and "speechless" after meeting them. See you in the finals, Lisa.
Hurricane Leah blows in last, out of the limo and straight into Matty, messing up his hair and making leud innuendo. "I've had sex before," is Leah's subtext, and Matty J is slow to get it. Or he will be, if you know what we mean...
Hurricane Leah looks to be the instant villain of the season with the first "I'm not here to meet the other girls, I'm here to meet Matty J" of the season. "I meet friendlier people in Aldi," one of the women said – severing any advertising opportunities there.
As Matty entered the cocktail party, like a bag of chum entering a shark tank, he welcomed the ladies and raised his glass "to love", but before he can finish Osher throws a spanner in the works. This season, the show introduces "the secret garden" which we thought would be a DVD of the 1993 movie with Maggie Smith.
Matty took Laura off for the first solo chat, but before they have time to get to know each other in front of 20 other women, the lights shut off on the Bachelor compound, and a fire-twirler approaches the group. "Hi," she says after smacking her bundles of flames onto grass (fire hazard!!!), "I'm Elora". The other women are furious, Matty J is not. "I think I felt sparks," Elora said, ignoring the fire she probably set on the lawn.
Meanwhile, the other girls began competing for time with Matty J. "I'm not a jealous person," Jennifer says before sniping at any other girls who get time with Matty as a sincere sign of jealousy.
Hurricane Leah had strong feelings on Elora's entrance. "I don't think Elora is going to be much of a threat, to come in night one with no clothes on when you're supposed to do a classy entrance? Yeah, a little bit tacky," Leah said in one of the least self-aware comments of the show. So far.
Firey Elora, now frocked up and ready to mingle, walked straight over to Matty J, breaking up Sharlene's time with him.
"If anyone's going to cut Elora's glass... grass, it's going to be me," totally-not-jealous Jennifer said, forgetting that Elora doesn't need her grass cut, she just sets it on fire. Tensions began to run high as woman after woman continued to cut glass... grass, and budge in on what little alone time they could get.
Then Jennifer overheard Elizabeth call her dress putrid. "I f**king hate her," Jennifer said walking off to cry and eat popcorn.
The best montage of the night came from Natalie, which was just a series of guttural noises and farts. Natalie for Bachelorette 2018.
Elizabeth and Jennifer butted heads again, this time in the world's most boring confrontation. By the end of it, Jennifer labelled Elizabeth "this year's Keira," which we took as an insult to Leah. Speaking of Leah, after a discussion of the secret garden she announced how ready she was to show Matty her secret garden.
In the least surprising twist of the night, Lisa scored the invite to the secret garden. The actual one, not Leah's. They had a lovely chat.
As a few of the more timid women sat by wondering how they could get some face time with Matty, Jennifer scrambled across the courtyard to get some more time. "I would jump in your grave that quickly, and don't you forget it," she was seen saying.
Meanwhile, Matty wandered through the party, picked up a rose and asked police officer Michelle if she could join him for a chat. Michelle was the first recipient of a rose this season and we couldn't think of a nicer person to get it.
When it's finally time for the rose ceremony Jennifer's voiceover mentions it was never her intention to have drama with anyone on the first night. "I know myself, I hate drama" she said, eating a brick of pure drama.
With Jennifer and Elizabeth both hoping the other would go home, it was the whole focus of the rose ceremony. As Matty handed out rose after rose, with two women poised to not receive one, both women prayed the other would get the boot. Lo and behold, both of them received roses just at the last minute, almost as if the show loved the added element of drama.
"But I hate drama!" Jennifer probably said, wallpapering her room with the word "drama" to match her "drama" bedspread.
Sadly that meant Monica and Stacey were sent home, two women who barely said a single word in the entire episode.
And with that, the Bachelor is back, and crazier than ever.Suggest a correction