All the boys have gathered in a cabana waiting for an announcement of sorts, "We're all in a cabana sitting here so anything could happen," James points out.
Osher arrives and makes a joke about all the times he reveals date cards at the beginning of episodes.
"I'm always happy to see you guys," he says, "and normally you're very happy to see me cause it's around about now that you get all excited when I pull a surprise out of my pants!"
He then announces the group date this episode will include all the bachelors. "Yeah, all the boys!!!" someone cries out in excitement.
Sophie arrives dressed like Rosie the Riveter. "Miss Daisy!" Luke says, confusing her with the 72-year-old character from 'Driving Miss Daisy'.
Sophie reveals that she's looking for a REAL man, one that can do MANLY things like fix a fence, build a cupboard or be paid on average 20 percent more than a woman. Manly things!!!
Osher announces that this episode will feature the "inaugural Bachelorette 'real man' games".
The first task was a plank challenge. "This is going to sort the men out of the mice," Mackane said, possibly making the point that mice don't plank?
Round two was changing a tire, something a REAL MAN would know how to do! Masculinity is not a construct it is definitely real and if you fail at one of these challenges you should be humiliated for not being a real man!
During the tire changing Jarrod tuned the world out and decided this was the most important tire he had ever changed in his life. "I will kiss this tire," he probably thought. Despite the fact that the other tire-changing team had won Jarrod continued to change his tire with relentless intensity.
"It's like a scene out of 'Robocop'," Brett said, probably referring to the scene from the 1987 film where ED-209 glitches and shoots a dude like 9,000 times in front of a boardroom full of people.
Everyone looks on, watching Jarrod like he's that kid who keeps saying "Mum, watch this!" and then doesn't do anything that spectacular. "Greatttttt," everyone said slowly clapping along.
Challenge three was building some flat-pack furniture.
Do you know what's more boring than watching people put some flat-pack furniture together? Nothing. Literally nothing is more boring than that.
As the day turned into night, the night turned into another day and the months passed the manly men were still building their cupboards. "This is great," a now 800-year-old Sophie said, "you're manly men!" she whispered as her body turned to dust and flew away with the wind. Finally free from her flat-pack hell.
By the end of the building challenge, Ryan took out a lot of aggression on some drawers and basically smashed his cupboard into pieces. Sophie made the same face she always seems to make around Ryan.
The final challenge was a face-off between James and Mackane where they needed to build a fire to prove they were manly enough to drag her back to their man cave and provide for her.
"It is pretty much the defining factor of being a man," Osher told them, "the ability to make fire". It is so much easier to just buy some matches from Coles but like, whatever.
Ultimately James was the manliest man, and he was allowed to rip the hearts out of the lesser men and consume them to impress Sophie.
To cap off an already exhausting episode Sophie said to James, "I'm just waiting to hear that at night you dress as lady or something 'cause it's pretty perfect".
Yeah, yeah it's all light-hearted fun until you remember that 'The Bachelor' spent an entire episode tearing women down for having the slightest agency over their own sexuality.
Back at the house Uncle Sam was going on AGAIN about his double delight rose until Sophie wandered into the house and asked him if he wanted to finally go on a date.
On the drive to their date Sam did an impressions of Tom Cruise, because this episode hasn't been full of insane men enough. Sophie revealed they were going to cook cupcakes together. Sam lamented the fact that he was just trying not to be "too funny," something he's not had a problem with before.
They began the baking process and ultimately found out neither of them are actually very good at baking. Sophie tried to crack an egg into a bowl, the egg tried to egg-scape.
The pair's terrible baking didn't even matter though because there were ready-made cupcakes sitting in the oven anyway! So much deceit. Next thing you'll be telling us Sophie doesn't actually light all the candles and set up the dates herself!!!
During the cocktail party Apollo, most handsome magician in the world, did some crazy things with a fork. It was forked up. It is also forked how little screen time Apollo is getting despite the fact that he is a giant wall of handsome charming magic muscle.
Sophie watching Apollo do magic was by far the best part of the entire episode, in fact if they had just abandoned the whole man challenge and let us watch Apollo do magic tricks for Sophie for an hour it would have been the best episode ever. Sadly, it wasn't the case.
Just before the rose ceremony Jarrod revealed he had a surprise stunt to woo Sophie. She looked stoked.
Jarrod wanted to "grow love" with Sophie in the most literal sense possible by offering to grow violas with her. "What if they die?" she asked him. "That's up to you, that's up to how you care for them," Jarrod told her. "Yeah cool," she said. "I killed a cactus once," she joked, "I don't understand jokes," Jarrod's face replied.
It would have been kinda cute if they didn't look a little... grave-y?
During the rose ceremony Bingham (like the cup) said "I'm enjoying my time hanging out with the boys," forgetting that the point of the show was to hang out with Sophie.
Unfortunately for Bingham (like the cup), it was time for him to leave the house and his chance of finding a lasting bromance. As he was leaving one of da boys called him "Bing daddy".
Next week it's happening. The intruders are arriving.Suggest a correction