After the shocking exit of four men last night Jarrod proclaimed that the bach pad was shrouded in darkness. Everyone was very gloomy, gloomily looking at the three intruders who were now nestled into the mansion of love.
Suddenly Luke appeared to let them know Shy Financial Advisor James had scored the single date.
Everyone cheered except Ryan who continued to gloom due to not being picked. Ryan, who is still getting a cartoon villain edit, said "It's really testing my patience," as lighting struck behind him creating a skull and crossbones of smoke.
Financial Planner James said the eight most important words in 'Bachelorette' history, "Being on the water makes me so happy," which appeased the show's biggest fan: Poseidon king of the oceans.
"This date pleases me," Poseidon said from his Perth home while he used his trident to flick between this and 'The Block'.
James' date sounds exactly like a nightmare, having to improvise a fun performance in the middle of Darling Harbour while confused tourists occasionally clapped along to no music.
"Yo, my name is Sophie... it rhymes with trophy," Sophie rapped as James writhed on stage breakdancing like his skin was full of bees.
"This date turned bad," Poseidon said, hitting his TV with his trident in a desperate attempt to end his second-hand embarrassment.
"James is a financial planner," Sophie observed, "and I saw him stand up and do things people in my industry could never do," she said while James flicked a ribbon.
The pair then went to enjoy a Manhattan cocktail at a Sydney rooftop bar. "Is this like the New York skyline?" James asked as bars and clubs began closing at 8pm.
James, the most adorable and beautiful man ever to grace this Earth, told Sophie he had feelings for her and when she went to give him a rose she said she'd be "devo" if he didn't accept it. Everyone watching at home was like, "same".
Back at the house it was revealed the group date was all about going back to school. The boys discussed what the date could be. "I think it could be a test about Sophie," Jarrod said excitedly.
"What if they want to know her blood type or what she looks like when she sleeps?" he thought out loud. "Bring on the Sophie quiz! Please!!" he cried, throwing his Sophie flashcards into the air.
The first school challenge was a paper plane contest, whoever could throw it the furthest would win. As always, Jarrod took competition casually and calmly.
Round two was a basketball challenge where Blake revealed he loved basketball and was ready to get the highest score. He got the lowest.
The next test was a maths quiz which seems ridiculous considering iPhones have calculators on them. Jarrod was wearing a "I <3 Sophie" sticker to play it cool. It turned out no one was very good at maths.
The final round faced Ryan against intruder AJ the chef where the two of them would face off in a spelling bee. Each man's words were tailored to his job. Ryan had to spell words like "building" and "wardrobe". Meanwhile, AJ decided to THROW the competition so Ryan could win in case the other boys would make life hard for him!
AJ claims he didn't want to "stir the pot" which is a terrible attitude for a chef, a profession that basically demands constant pot stirring.
That meant Ryan scored the alone time with Sophie, which went terribly last time but we had high hopes for round two.
Just kidding! It went terribly. After confronting Ryan about wanting to actually be there Sophie pretty much gave him the "It's not you, it's me and this journey and being on this journey," speech and sent Ryan packing!
Osher entered the cocktail party to let the other bachelors know about Ryan's sudden departure, putting added pressure on the evening. And that was just the beginning.
Sophie had some good news for Jarrod, the love plant he gave her had already sprouted. Jarrod's love plant had not sprouted. As any of us would assume, Jarrod's mind went straight to paranoia.
Jarrod sat everyone down and demanded the culprits come forward. It was like a terrible re-enactment of 'Big Little Lies'. "Who roughed up my plant baby? Which one of you malicious award-winning actresses hurt my beautiful plant child?!"
"People could have pissed in the pot," Jarrod assumed, while someone asked if he could smell any piss. "I'm not going to taste the pot!" Jarrod responded to literally no one asking him to do such a thing.
It's not every season of 'The Bachelorette' that a shock exit mid-episode is eclipsed by a dude running around screaming about people pissing on his dead plant, but this season truly outdid itself.
"It's really pissed me off," Jarrod said about his suspected plant sabotage. "It's really pissed on me," the plant replied.
After all that Intruder Guy (his actual name is Guy we're not just being vague) had to leave with the most wrinkle-free face of all time. Farewell Guy, we hope to see our own reflections on your beautiful, flawless skin in the future.
Luckily next week promises EVEN MORE DRAMA ABOUT THE POT PLANT!!! This is truly the greatest season ever made.Suggest a correction