The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week's great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
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"we need to talk later"
first of all, i have anxiety. tell me now
— tinabambina (@itsnottina_) October 17, 2017
post-Harvey Weinstein my coven has been casting hexes to ensure the search for predatory males in Hollywood turns into a witch hunt
— Bez (@Bez) October 15, 2017
I Had Tuna For Lunch. Now I Need To Cancel All My Meetings. An office tale.
— Rowaida Abdelaziz (@Rowaida_Abdel) October 16, 2017
You: Why don't you ever come to Brooklyn?
Also you: I've been on the F train for 3 hours. I saw a live birth and traded my iPad for food.
— Danielle Henderson (@knottyyarn) October 16, 2017
1987: in 2017 we'll have flying cars!
2017: pic.twitter.com/nC1P5ixQpM
— the boogeyshan (@shannondorf_) October 15, 2017
My milkshake brings all the boys AND GIRLS to the yard...because I have a successful milkshake business.
— Cristela Alonzo (@cristela9) October 16, 2017
q: what do ghostwriters write
a: BOOks
— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) October 16, 2017
How early you saw #hamilton is such a funny new piece of social currency.
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) October 16, 2017
"but you said your 5 mins away"
First of all I didn't say where I'm 5 mins away from
— tina (@itstinatbh) October 16, 2017
I just want to look through the junk drawer in your kitchen it doesn't have to be a big thing
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) October 18, 2017
One undeniable perk of being an adult is you can use "I'm tired" as a way to get out of anything: a social event, a conversation, a marriage
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 18, 2017
Jeff Sessions looks like a stack of ghosts in a business suit pretending to be a racist
— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) October 18, 2017
Love watching baseball because it's full of attainable body types.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) October 20, 2017
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I'm just out walking my dog, lady.
— Sondra Dee (@SondraDeeMe) October 19, 2017
Wow, google's really got my number tonight pic.twitter.com/d2ZGu1R4m7
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) October 20, 2017
The SPOOKIEST haunted house is your obsessive mind driven by fear anxiety and resentment, admission is always free HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) October 20, 2017
do u ever think you see ur ex from far away & then you get closer & realize it's actually a very sick pigeon eating a piece of chicken bone
— Scarin Gloria Ryan👻 (@morninggloria) October 18, 2017
I saw grape on the carpet and thought it was a cockroach.
Anyhow, grape's dead now.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) October 20, 2017
WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT?
-- montage of dogs hearing the fridge door open at 11 PM
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 18, 2017
"I was just walking along the subway platform, and it scurried by!"
"A human?"
The first rat nods. "So gross — I still have the willies."
— JokerKaren (@batkaren) October 18, 2017