The final week of 'The Bachelorette' is here, looming over us like a ghost from a Dickens novel, rattling its chains and announcing the arrival of three ghosts who would visit us throughout the night.
The ghosts of dates past (Stu), present (Jarrod) and yet to come (Apollo). Are we proud of this analogy? Heck. Yes.
First up was Jarrod, the delicate cupid who, after introducing Sophie to his family, revealed to her last week that he was in love with her. Jarrod telling Sophie he was in love with her was like us admitting chocolate is delicious. It's like, at this point why even bother?
"Sophie drove up in a red car and she looks so hot! Sophie I mean, not the car!" Jarrod thankfully clarified for anyone who may have thought he wanted to romance the vehicle.
Sophie took Jarrod to a Go Kart track for their date. "More cars!!" he said winking and smacking his lips together like a cartoon wolf.
Jarrod, the most competitive, red man on Earth was very excited at the prospect of racing Sophie. The pair made a wager that if he won she would be his servant for the day (gross) and if she won, he'd dance around the race track in his underwear (gross).
After hearing the terms of the wager Jarrod refused to lose. "I have to flog Sophie," he actually said.
Unfortunately Sophie beat him and for a brief moment we thought we'd have to see Jarrod strip down to his blue, stripey undies. Thankfully Sophie just decided she'd make Jarrod her servant for the rest of the day. Thank you Sophie.
After their racing shenanigans Jarrod's big plan was to ask Sophie about her reaction to him dropping the L-bomb.
Sophie began to tear up, feeling overwhelmed that Jarrod had expressed genuine feelings for the "real" Sophie, "Thank you for caring about me," she said. Which was sweet and heartbreaking in equal measure. Then they had a mad pash.
Next up was actual billionaire and still technically married to someone else Stu. Sophie picked him up in a limo, or as Stu probably calls them "a totally normal, everyday car".
They took a limo to the aquarium, which is like a fifteen minute walk from where she picked him up but anyway.
They went to go play with dugongs (aka manatees or sea cows!) which Sophie described as "the fattest, ugliest, cutest things" she had ever seen. Obviously she's never seen us at a breakfast buffet.
Here's a fun fact: it's believed that in the oldey timey days when sailors reported seeing mermaids it was more likely they had just spotted a few dugongs! Oldey timey sailors were pretty thick, hey.
The aquarium date went for about sixteen seconds before they bailed to get some drinks. At drinks Sophie asked when Stu would actually be divorced. "Very soon, hopefully" he said. She asked if he wanted to get married again and he said "I loved being married!" He loved it so much he didn't get divorced!
They spoke about their feelings, how they felt about each other, and the various risks involved in exposing their hearts too early. And then they had a mad pash.
Finally it was time for Apollo's date. Sophie decided to take him to "the Opera," which sounds like a great idea but then they just turned up to an outdoor amphitheatre where a dude walked out and sang at them. So it wasn't really ~the opera~ per se, it was just a dude in the Blue Mountains shouting at them, still it seemed very romantic and he was an EXCEPTIONAL singer.
Unfortunately, after the singing was over, Sophie – who was brought to tears by the performance – didn't feel like Apollo was in the same place ~emotionally~.
Sophie wanted a deeper chat, less small talk, so they talked about how Apollo is planning to do a strait-jacket escape dangling from a helicopter. Then he was like "anyway I could totes see us getting married in four years, hey?"
Then, it appeared the conversation did a vanishing act. The pair just sat in a dull silence, only broken with Apollo offering Sophie a breadstick. "I think I'm good with that," she replied.
IT WAS SO AWKWARD. We were dizzy with secondhand embarrassment as the show even went so far as to cut the music so we could hear just how little was going on in the room.
Anyone who thought Apollo was a shoo-in for the final two saw all their hopes magically dissipate into thin air as he awkwardly fumbled a bit of brie onto a breadstick. It was like... why even bother do the rose ceremony when the show just basically pushed Apollo out of a helicopter in a strait jacket with no keys.
You will be shocked to learn, dear reader, utterly shocked by the fact that Apollo did not receive a rose, just breadstick crumbs in his pocket.
See you tomorrow for the big finale.