After months of physical and mental trials it is time for the ultimate showdown. Two men enter, but only one man leaves. Welcome to 'The Bachelorette: Beyond Thunderdome'.
Sophie has brought her final two suitors to Fiji where she'd make the difficult decision between Stu and Jarrod. The whole nation has just one question on their lips: Is it still too late for James to make a comeback?
Sophie rehashed her feelings for both men but honestly we made our own pros and cons list to make things easier for her.
Stu:
Pros: Literally a millionaire
Cons: Has four kids, very coy about wanting more, had a vasectomy, is still married to someone else.
Jarrod:
Pros: Wine
Con: Very competitive, very red, probably thinks 'Silence of the Lambs' is a romcom.
Meanwhile as Jarrod took a slow-motion dip in the ocean he talked about how Sophie is the love of his life. Intense.
Over on Stu's side of the beach he was probably wondering if he could buy the nation of Fiji. Instead he decided to rent a jet ski, re-enacting Mariah Carey's iconic music video for 'Honey'.
Sophie caught up with her family and started to say everything we already knew for the hundredth time. Except when listing Stu's baggage (he's still married) she forgot to mention his four kids and vasectomy.
First up to meet the fam was Stu and his baggage. "I'm honestly nervous," Stu said. Then he sat down and charmed the whole family! Just kidding, they looked like he was telling them that he had run over their cat.
Sophie's sister Lucy took him aside to give him the hard grilling, calling him "the playboy of Sydney", which sounds as right as calling Jarrod "calm in competitive environments". He then heaped shit on his ex-wife (well, technically still wife) saying she didn't enjoy a laugh as much as Sophie which is why he thought things could be different between the two of them.
Stu also referred to his four daughters as "littles" again, which makes them sound like The Borrowers, that family of tiny people who lived in the walls of a house and would steal things like buttons and crumbs. "Who stole all our buttons, guvna? I bet it wus them Littles, blimey!"
Next up to get the family grilling was Jarrod, who felt like he was at an advantage having met what he called "the dad, the mum and the sister" before.
Jarrod also revealed he is physically unable to meet people without a botanical gift, so he gave "the mum" flowers that he PICKED FROM THE GARDEN OF THE HOTEL. Sophie called it inventive, we call it stealing.
"The mum" whisked Jarrod away for a chat where she asked what love meant to Jarrod.
"LOVE? I'LL TELL YA WHAT LOVE MEANS," he said, ripping off his shirt to reveal a to-scale sized tattoo of Sophie's face on his chest. Just kidding, but for a second you believed it. "The mum" then asked if Jarrod thought he was in love with Sophie.
"I'm definitely in love with YOUR DAUGHTER" Jarrod said, who for some reason seemed allergic to using people's names.
"The mum" called Jarrod "really special" as he turned an even more intense shade of red.
After the family meet-up it was time for Jarrod to go on his final date. He was excited to see a helicopter and all the beautiful sights they'd see from the chopper, "but nothing compared to Sophie!!!" he said in the same way he tried to assure us he wasn't as sexually aroused by a car as he is by Sophie. Wethinks the Jarrod doth protest too much???
The pair took the chopper to a sandbank. "This is the most stunning thing I've ever pulled off," Sophie actually said. About the date!! Keep your mind out of the gutter.
The pair had lunch and a pash on a private island while Sophie talked about all of Jarrod's qualities that she really admired. Moving onto the serious couch chat portion of the date, Jarrod called it the best day of his life, saying the day was perfect, Sophie is perfect.
She then asked him how SHE could make HIM happy in the longrun and he basically said she already was. It was like the bit in 'Phantom of the Opera' where the Phantom takes Christine down to his basement mancave and inexplicably owns a full-sized mannequin that looks exactly like Christine wearing a wedding dress? That's what it felt like to us, at least.
They had a conversation that went like this:
"I just want to make you happy too."
"It would make me happy."
"What? If I'm happy?"
"If you're happy I'm happy"
"How can I make you happy?"
And then we couldn't hear what happened next because we started groaning too loudly in pain.
For the second time in two nights Jarrod said a ton of really loving and kind things which made Sophie cry which he again took as a good sign (???).
Then it was time for Stu's date. "I've never seen his legs before," Sophie remarked. Another secret Stu was hiding!!! Legs!!!!
Sophie and Stu went snorkelling as he spoke about how he felt like they were made for each other but he "struggled to get deep". That was funny because he was diving with a snorkel at the time, quite literally struggling to get deep.
In all honesty if you can look at someone wearing a snorkel and mask and still find them attractive you deserve to spend the rest of your lives together.
Stu dropped the L-word, saying that he felt like he was in love for the second time (the first time presumably with his current wife!!!).
Sophie took Stu to drink from coconuts and sit in a hammock – and spent 20 minutes actually trying to get into the hammock.
Anyway after having a big ol giggle, a gigglefest, Stu got real and started to reveal how he felt. He was vulnerable and shared a lot of himself (and said "littles" again) but it was ultimately super brave of him to put himself out there and Sophie really appreciated it. Then they shared a mad pash.
Right before the final decision Sophie revealed she had definitely fallen in love with one of the blokes.
It was almost the time we had all been waiting for. Would Sophie pick Jarrod, the man that has been there for her from the start? Or Stu, the man that several news outlets said would win from the start?
Either way it was going to be heartbreak for one of the boys, considering both had revealed they were in love with her. It all came down to who stepped off the boat first... and that man was...
Jarrod. Our beautiful big red boy, our intense, competitive giant. Sophie told him how wonderful he was, how caring and thoughtful he was, but unfortunately it wasn't enough.
Like the grapes they stomped on in the beginning of their journey, Jarrod was crushed. Honestly, it was heartbreaking to watch as he wandered away from the beach in tears. It was hard to watch, seeing someone who had cared so much for Sophie honestly be blindsided by her ultimate decision.
Stu wandered up to Sophie and she gave him the good news. "For a relationship to work, both people need to support each other." Then she told him she loved him, and for the last time this season... they had a whopping mad pash.
