Happy Birthday! Now Get The Hell Out Of My Timeline

10/09/2015 11:58 AM AEST | Updated 15/07/2016 12:51 PM AEST
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Cropped shot of young woman texting on smartphone

I regularly unfriend people on social media. There, I said it. I'm a monster. But I'm also someone who likes to keep my Facebook 'friend' count below the 350 mark. Internet safety and that.

When you really think about it, even having 350 'friends' is a bit much. Would you send happy birthday texts to all 350 of those people? Would you invite them ALL to your housewarming? Can you even name 350 people you 'like' off the top of your head? Be honest -- you probably only see 10 percent of those people on rotation in real life, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Like most people, I've got real-life friends who are great for dinner chat but make me want to peg my phone into the cement whenever they post a cleavage selfie on Instagram with a totally unrelated caption or song lyric. I've also got relatives who I love from the depths of my soul (yes, I have a soul) who I've blocked from posting ridiculous chain memes on my timeline (love you, guys). And don't even get me started on the cryptic "feel sorry for me pls" status updates and tweets. In what world is it okay to write "in hospital" in the hope that someone will ask "what's wrong, beb?" and then NOT REPLY? I'm all for building suspense, but come on. (Bonus pet peeve: Sharing a picture of your infected foot without warning. If I wanted to see how your blisters were doing I'd ask for an update, mate.)

I have no doubt that people roll their eyes at some of my Tweets or mock my 'Olsens' Pinterest board, but let's be real, anyone who rolls their eyes at the Olsens deserves to have their judgement questioned. Ashley and Mary-Kate are sweet, sweet angels. Who, as it so happens, don't have a social media presence. They've also got great hair, can pull off kitten heels and have the strongest pout game I've ever seen.

But I digress.

I guess what I'm trying to say here, aside from the fact that I love the Olsens, is that the majority of the people I like in real life are painful on social media. And the ones I do enjoy following on social media aren't my friends in real life. Take all those random beautiful nobodies, for instance. I call them nobodies because I have no idea what they do aside from pose with skinny tea, but they manage to keep thousands of people, myself included, interested in every flat lay photo of their feet/shoes/legs on the beach.

And this is where it gets a bit messy, because if my real-life friends started posting like the beautiful nobodies that would piss me off, too. Authenticity goes a long way. And I don't know (or care) whether the beautiful nobodies are being authentic because the only purpose they serve in my life is to provide pretty pictures and entertainment.

There's a lesson to be learnt from my dog, sister and boyfriend, not necessarily in that order. My dog because she's too busy blissfully sniffing her backside and living her life to tweet 'eating mum's slippers bol' (bark out loud), my sister because she rarely posts and when she does she doesn't give a toss if anybody 'likes' it, and my boyfriend -- bless his cotton socks -- because he doesn't use any social media whatsoever.

Don't get me wrong, there's a time and a place for hashtagging #onfleek (JOKES! PLEASE, NEVER DO THIS) and my job very much depends on you guys using social media, but I'd prefer to live in a world where people are genuine instead of seeking validation via likes, retweets and shares.

In saying that, there will always be a place for double chins on Snapchat. Because that's as real as it gets. I just wish people felt free enough to be that real everywhere else.

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