Harrison household. Last night.
"We seem to have more spoons," said my wife.
"We do. I was part of a spoon playing Guinness World Record at TEDx Sydney and I brought them home."
She looked concerned.
"Don't worry, I washed them."
It's true. I'm not sure how you've been managing to walk past me on the street without asking for my autograph, but I am the holder of a weird world record, along with the other couple of thousand people in the Opera House who Deb "Spoons" Perry stirred into action to the tune of Paul Kelly's 'Dumb Things', which I thought was an appropriate choice.
For almost five minutes, although it felt like an eternity, we shook, clicked, wacked and did everything you can possibly do with a spoon without actually eating with it. (Okay, perhaps not everything. But the lights were down in the Concert Hall, so I can't vouch for everyone.)
Australia has its share of Guinness World Records: largest opal, hottest chilli, most boring election campaign... and now MOST PEOPLE PLAYING AN EATING UTENSIL AT ONCE! (According to the Donnybrook Mail the attempt is still being assessed. But I'm confident.)
Yep, the city of Sydney can hold it head high, or the couple of thousand people who spooned their way to world record can hold their heads high, which would no doubt be a record in itself for the most number of people holding their heads high at the one time.
But that would be silly.
The Olympics are a yawn in comparison to some of the eccentric exploits in The Guinness Book of Records. There are so many weird and wacky accomplishments that I'm convinced they bear the name Guinness because you have to drink so much of it to dream them up.
I thought 'highest number of people playing an eating utensil at once' was unusual until I trawled the internet and discovered that my new claim to fame is rather high-brow in comparison to some feats.
In Ireland, 1253 people at the Muckno Mania Festival dressed up as Smurfs. In Ohio, 72,000 people at the Canfield County Fair did the chicken dance in unison. That makes our couple of thousand 'musicians' look poultry in comparison. (Sorry.)
The next record is fowl for different reasons (sorry again) so look away now if you're squeamish. Many of us collect things as a hobby -- stamps, bottle tops, garden gnomes. But an unusual Aussie by the name of Graham Barker holds the record for the largest collection of his own belly button fluff.
Less revolting but equally oddball is the world's largest collection of DO NOT DISTURB signs. Some Swiss recluse has gathered 8,888 of them from hotel rooms around the world. I'd ask him why he bothered but can't bring myself to knock on his door.
The world's largest barbecue is currently held by a group of Paraguayans. (I think I just broke the world record for the most incorrect attempts at spelling the word 'Paraguayans'.) Surely Australia should hold the barbecue record. We could give it a go and break two records in one by outraging the most number of vegetarians.
While we're at it, so to speak, we might also challenge the record for the highest number of simultaneous kissing couples. This is currently held by a horny hoard of Hungarians making a Budapest of themselves outside their parliament. I'd suggest Canberra as the right place for our attempt but the LNP would check for gay couples and the ALP would propose a kissing tax.
Given our love of the ocean, surely we could sink some of the submarine records. For example, an Italian once rode a bicycle at a depth of 65 metres, no doubt wearing an Armani wetsuit.
Australia already holds the record for the largest underwater dance class, which took place at Sydney Olympic Park. It's not specified what dance they were learning: the Rock Lobster, perhaps. Or Tap.
We also hold the record for the world's largest swimsuit shoot. The official number of bikini clad babes who gathered on the Gold Coast isn't known; the judge tried to count them but his wife kept smacking him.
We could recruit some boozing backpackers to challenge for the world's largest apartment made of beer mats. Apparently it has five bedrooms but no bar. Go figure.
Surely we could upstage the largest nude roller coaster ride. And while we've got our gear off, ladies, perhaps you could beat the most number of bras hanging on a washing line. Belgium boasts this buxom record, with no fewer than 9,829 bras hanging in the seaside city of Oostduinkerke. I'm wondering if they also broke the record for most cases of whiplash that day.
Should anyone meet their maker during our more dangerous world record attempts, we could contact the Austrian man who has made the most number of coffins. Despite his fame I feel sorry for this guy. He's crafted over 700,000 wooden boxes and not one has been appreciated by a client.
My favourite is the world's fastest 100m hurdles wearing flippers, achieved in a time of 22.35 seconds by Maren Zönker of Germany, though I reckon we can beat her if we run backwards. And after we've crushed that record we could ravage the world's largest teeth brushing congregation. You'd see our collective smile from the moon. But I'm afraid my bald head will be of no help if we attempt the world's highest haircut, set by a skydiving Israeli. Apparently cutting the hair wasn't as hard as putting the little mirror behind the subject's head afterwards. Good job he didn't cut the ripcord.
Records I think we should gracefully decline, however, are the most number of scorpions in a person's mouth, pulling a bus the furthest distance with our ears, and the highest number of body piercings, which is a record doomed to rust.
I'm also reluctant to take on the world's most tattooed senior citizen, who has inked 93 per cent of her body. I'm assuming she claimed her pensioner discount. Wincing at her photo, for some reason I was more disturbed by the thought of the remaining seven per cent of her.
I am not, however, going to criticise the man with the world's biggest feet. I would walk a mile in his shoes.
But now, I'm off to spoon. Without spoons.