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Funky Features Of The New iPhone That Apple Hasn't Told You About

It will recognise tears, and call your mother.

13/09/2017 9:50 AM AEST | Updated 14/09/2017 9:09 AM AEST
Stephen Lam / Reuters
"The camera will see into people's souls."

Finally the day has arrived! Ever since my iPhone 7 arrived I've been waiting for the iPhone 8.

Leaks suggest the new device will have a screen that covers the entire front panel, the AI engine will block all racial stereotypes, it will be gender fluid and its dual camera will be able to see into your soul.

You can unlock the screen with facial recognition. Plus, advanced AI will recognise when you're feeling self-confident, then open Instagram to crush your self worth. It will recognise tears, and call your mother. You can also set it to 'good-hair-day' and it will automatically post a car selfie to Snapchat.

You can also take a photo from an Ikea catalogue and the inbuilt AR app will give you a visual rendering of the broken piece of furniture in your actual house in six months time.

Processor speeds are getting pretty crazy and this latest generation is no exception. It completely removes lag in opening apps and promises to finally rid you of any spare moments for personal reflection. You can go from ignoring your spouse to scrolling Pinterest without the threat of eye contact.

The camera will see into people's souls. It will then sort all your photos into the following categories: liar, in love with you, harbouring resentment, largely misunderstood nice guy, not-angry-just-hungry, a bit racist, and self-deluded. You can buy add-ons from the iTunes store.

Augmented reality is all the rage and iOS 11 will bring it to your handset. While walking on busy streets you can now see what's in front of you, right on your screen! It helps ensure you don't collide with other pedestrians and light poles.

You can also take a photo from an Ikea catalogue and the inbuilt AR app will give you a visual rendering of the broken piece of furniture in your actual house in six months time.

Plus, Apple is introducing the iGlove! Due to the screen being made of super delicate glass you must only swipe it while using the iGlove. It won't come with the phone and will be available in the iStore at $99. It comes in space grey and white.

And... it's going to be the most expensive mobile device Apple has produced. Wait times will stretch out to many weeks to ensure those who are first to receive it have plenty of time to gloat.

By the time you receive yours the novelty will have worn off and the buzz around the release of the iPhone 9X will have kicked off. OMG I literally can't wait.

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