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I Have A Dream That My Kids Will Go To Bed

Go the f**k to sleep.

14/12/2016 3:04 PM AEDT | Updated 18/12/2016 6:07 AM AEDT
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"You don't need another book, drink, song, snack, toilet stop, pat, cuddle, goodnight from Mum/Dad/The Dog or President-Elect Trump."

Dear Nocturnal Children of the World (especially mine),

Go to bed. In fact, as one successful internet PDF author put it -- go the f**k to sleep.

Daylight savings time is for parents. Parents who desire to develop vegetable gardens, exercise in the warm weather and appreciate child-free sunsets. It is not the season for endless conversations and explanations around why it is bedtime when the sun is still out.

How is Daddy ever supposed to find time to write, if all you ever want is another reading of those obnoxious Spot books? (On a side note, Spot goes to the Vet and Never Comes Back is a great book -- have you heard of that one?).

No wonder I don't consider writing a novel... I can't even get through a draft of a screenplay. Even this piece took me the past five weeks to compose. (Daddy is still confident that should a publisher reading this post want to commission a collection of short essays, he would be able to meet their deadline).

Why do you stay up?

What do you think your parents get up to after you go to bed? You are not missing out on anything -- there's no great parties, no laser shows, no midnight feasts. It is simply never-ending piles of dishes and laundry, an obscure Netflix series and half a packet of stale Tim Tams (probably the discounted, experimental ones tainted with a liqueur that only 14 and 84-year-olds enjoy).

Sleep is great.

You'll learn this all too late and make up for these restless days in your teen years. Then, like vampires, you'll sleep during the day and roam the streets at night looking for blood... oops I took that too far. The point is this; you'll learn to love sleep (but not quenching your bloodlust on the carotid arteries of your fellow man).

No longer can we stay in your room battling your circadian rhythm hoping that the melatonin levels will spike. Maybe you just lack circadian rhythm and your sleep patterns move more like a white, Australasian teenage male -- awkward and unpredictable.

Often I Google 'medicated sleep remedies' but then my phone battery dies, along with any hope of time to myself.

You don't need another book, drink, song, snack, toilet stop, pat, cuddle, goodnight from Mum/Dad/The Dog or President-Elect Trump.

You need to go to bed.

We, the Parents of the World, are tired.

Goodnight.

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