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A Guide To Your Most Cringeworthy Facebook Friends

You want to unfriend them. But then you'd miss the next trainwreck.

16/11/2016 6:44 AM AEDT | Updated 20/11/2016 6:01 AM AEDT
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There's a clear distinction between annoying friends and cringeworthy friends.

If you're a veteran of Facebook like me, then you know all about annoying friends. And you also know that there's a clear distinction between annoying friends and cringeworthy friends. Those savages who cross the line and make the hairs on your neck stand up. You want to unfriend and block them, but... you don't want to miss the next train wreck.

So, here's my guide to those cringeworthy Facebook friends we love to hate.

The Drama Queen

They start with cryptic posts: "I'm soooo devastated!" or "I have some amazing news!" or "I need a hug!" Then... silence. They lie in wait, clearly delighted with the attention they receive from concerned friends. "What's happened?", "R U OK?"

Days later, when the outpouring of concern reaches its crescendo, the drama queen reveals the root of her emotional rollercoaster... she lost her smartphone, or stubbed her toe, or missed-out on a job promotion, or went out on her first date in seven years. Really?

The Home Renovation Oversharer

Okay, we get it. You've come into a truckload of money so you've decided to renovate your home. We're so happy for you. But here's a suggestion. Why don't you just post two photos -- a before and... a year later... after.

But no, that's not enough sharing for the proud home-reno poster. We have to see the reno unfold, brick by brick. We're even 'treated' to a photo of the lady of house making endless cups of tea for hot tradies, (but we're not allowed to see the hot tradies).

The One Hiding Behind Nasty Memes

This person is homophobic, xenophobic, racist, and almost certainly hates puppies... but he's too gutless to own up to his nasty side. Instead, he litters his feed with memes that allow him to spread his ignorance without actually taking ownership of the message. Then, if someone comments on the inappropriate nature of his posts, he deflects the blame with BS responses like: "I didn't make the meme, I'm just letting people know what's out there." Grow some balls and own your rotten nature so we can block you.

The Insensitive Poster

How did you find out about Amanda's baby shower? Was it after the fact, when Jennifer posted pictures of it all over social media? Ouch. And you thought Amanda and Jennifer were your friends. Say hello to the Insensitive Poster. You thought you were part of a friendship threesome? Watch as they post photos of beach picnics and ladies lunches they didn't invite you to. But, because you're still Facebook friends, they figure you'll still get to see what they got up to without you. Rubbing salt in the wound is fun for these people. This social media predator highlights your tumble down the friendship ladder without hesitation or regret.

The Cooking Disaster

Yep, you're a crappy cook. But do you really have to show us the crime-scene photographs every time? You know the drill; they Google an image of a professionally baked Thomas the Tank Engine cake, then they post their own lame attempt beside it (can't cook, but you're a ninja with that collage app). To wrap it up with a nice, shiny bow, they type "nailed it". And then they kick back and wait for the chorus of LOLs to arrive. It's funny(ish) the first time... NOT the 17th. Just tell us you're a useless cook ONCE. And please spare us the photos. If you must, show us one photo, and never mention it again.

The Reposter

This cringeworthy offender is particularly frustrating because, well, it's you. Well, a past version of you; leaner, meaner, and less wrinkled. Yep, I'm talking about Facebook's 'Your Memories' feature. Love it or hate it, this is where old posts randomly pop up to haunt you. A picture of your son when he was a toddler? Awwww. A compromising photo of you that highlights your faded youth? Shudder.

There is a bit of good news. First, you can use these old photos as inspiration or a straight kick in the arse to exercise and eat better, or to recommit to some of your life goals. Or, if you prefer to sweep away some of the skeletons in your past, you can dig through your history and delete the dodgy posts.

And finally, if you prefer to bury your past and live entirely in the now, you can turn off the 'Your Memories' function from your preferences. That'll secure your dignity... at least until the next booze-fuelled night out with your friends.

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