Ten Commandments For Celebrities To Avoid A Media S**t Storm

There is such a thing as bad publicity.

20/07/2016 7:20 AM AEST | Updated 22/07/2016 11:25 AM AEST

There's no such thing as bad publicity.

Whoever coined the above saying was most certainly not a celebrity. And if they were, they had yet to experience the turmoil of a media s**t storm. It's every bit as bad as it sounds. Just ask Johnny Depp's dogs.

But if you are a celebrity, you're not automatically doomed to suffer relentless public criticism.

Luckily, your friendly blogging diva has you covered. Just follow my 10 Commandments -- it's as easy as opening your mouth and removing your foot. And, just like that, you'll avoid the unflattering ravages of stress and even bolster your popularity.

Better still, it doesn't matter if you're an A-list celebrity on down to a Z-lister (Hello, every person who has won The Voice). In fact, even 'normal' everyday people can follow these rules and watch their social media 'likes' soar to unimagined heights.

So let's get started, before your behavior lands you in the unpleasant whirlpool of a media s**t storm.

1. You Shall Not declare the expulsion of any race or religion from 'your' country. Disobey this commandment, and you will be in the middle of a media s**t storm. Even regurgitating someone else's controversial views will get you demonised. Do not mimic the words of a more feared and prominent journalist who is paid to be controversial and have extreme views. (He will get off scot-free because people expect him to say those things. You will be thrown to the wolves, and other journalists, who say they're your friend, will be too scared or gutless to defend you).

Even if you're caught in the glare of a live television debate and the TV producers had told you they want you to take the opposing view of the other debaters. If you absolutely must voice an ugly opinion, do it underwater, at the top of your lungs. Or, share it with your pet cat -- his indifference is unconditional.

2. You Shall Not attend a fancy dress party with black paint/shoe polish/Vegemite spread across your face (even if the invitation reads 'Kanye West lookalike party'). If you do not follow this commandment, you will be the centre of a media s**t storm and people will not like you. This should be a no-brainer. In fact, avoiding all Kanye West associations is a solid policy to protect your public persona.

3. You Shall Not plagiarise any speech. Especially one written by a person more respected and more famous than you are. If you do, a media s**t storm will find you and unleash the horror of thousands of hilarious memes upon your public image.

4. You Shall Not use Snapchat to publicly ridicule a naked woman with a normal body -- even if you happen to be an abnormally physically blessed Playboy model. Ninety-eight percent of humans have normal bodies, so if you do not obey this commandment, 98 percent of humans will hate you. Do you really want to offend that many people?

5. You Shall Not make any attempt to joke about being violent towards women, men, children or animals. If you do... hello media s**t storm. And this time you can't blame your comments on whatever you're tossing down your throat to feel good: pain killers, lollies, party drugs, booze or marshmallows. This is your storm, welcome to it.

6. You Shall Not defend your celebrity friend who disobeys any of these commandments. No matter how well-intentioned your support, you're treading a slippery-slope. Just one wrong word and the situation goes even further south, and you're smack-dab in the eye of a media s**t storm. Now may be a good time to reassess the company you keep.

7. You Shall Not mess with any member of the Kardashian family. Even if you think you're as rich, famous, and powerful as they are, you're not. The Kardashians command that rare brand of celebrity which allows them to control and even thrive in media s**t storms. They will get you in ways even the FBI cannot. And also, please refer to previous comments regarding Kanye West associations.

8. You Shall Not disobey the 1st Commandment and then defend yourself by saying: "I'm not racist, BUT..." That comeback makes you look even worse. Zip your lip.

9. You Shall keep out of other celebrities s**t storms. No matter what. Even if you have a burning desire to spread a loving message, just don't do it. Silence is golden. Then again, if you don't utter a word, you might still find yourself in a s**t storm. You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't.

10. You Shall be a good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble. But that mouth of yours is a whole other story.

There you have it, then. Ten simple rules to secure your positive celebrity status and avoid a negative public backlash. But why should I care to help the privileged elite with an abundance of cash and an apparent lack of common sense/decency? Because most celebrities are decent people and I'm a decent person and I'm tired of seeing them squirm.

Dear Celebrities, Walk in obedience to these commandments, so that you may live and prosper and prolong your days. Amen.

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