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Is Doing Stuff That's Good For You, Actually Good For You?

I obeyed the rules for a whole month and I still don't look like Miranda Kerr.

13/06/2017 4:58 PM AEST | Updated 13/06/2017 4:58 PM AEST
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Am I supposed to eat this, smoosh it on my face or use it for a DIY colonic?

I made soup last weekend. And I did a Metafiit class. I didn't drink wine and I spent an hour mashing banana, yoghurt and honey to put on my face and 'feed my skin.'

In late April, I had one of those nearly mid-year 'crap, I'm going on a holiday, and I'm petrified of the skimpy acceptable excuse for fashion that is a bikini', moments. So, I decided to 'slay May' and abstain from anything that has ever been deemed unhealthy.

I'm not talking about a freak-out weight loss detox diet (although in reflection, that seems like the better option), I'm talking about embracing a holistic, no chemicals, tip-toe lightly on the earth and love my body approach.

It's June now and I can successfully sum up my experience thus: All I thought about was chocolate, and I don't even like chocolate.

Here are the health things that I will never bother with again.

Gluten Free

Those who eat gluten free bread and say they enjoy it are liars. Not only does it taste like mouldy cardboard, but as it turns out, gluten free food is not actually that healthy.

Counting Calories

I was never striving to lose weight in my quest, I just wanted look like Miranda Kerr by eating gluten free food for a month.

The app I downloaded on my phone prompted me to diarize everything I was eating. And it would tell me if I had been naughty or nice.

I started to break in to cold sweats before I logged my eternal sin (of eating) so, I started to lie. Then I felt guilty about lying.

My heart rate was constantly pulsating, which I now know is the exact reason why people lose weight by counting calories.

Post work exercise

This is just not me. I don't like gyms. I don't like people yelling at me LAST ONE. GIVE IT ALL YOU'VE GOT. If I wanted to be shouted at, I would go to a Collingwood game naked painted entirely Richmond stripes, and that would be preferable.

The worst thing about post-work exercise is that I think about it all day. I dread it, and debate with myself on the hourly if I would actually attend, or if the knee I hurt 4 years ago is starting to flare up again.

Eating kale

Kale tastes like dirt. I don't want to eat dirt for lunch and dirt is cheaper than kale. Dirt probably has more antioxidant – superfoody stuff than kale.

Home-made face masks

I've rubbed coffee beans on my face. I've 'fed' my forehead bananas and I've been asked if I have toothpaste in my eyelashes at 12pm on a workday (it was actually rolled oats residue).

I still look 29, and I still have pimples and wrinkles at the exact same time.

Going technology free

I know this is good for the mind. And I know I spend far too much time scrolling aimlessly through social media. But do you know what? I follow excellent media stations and witty celebrities. I need those daily pick me ups to inform me of current affairs and to make me LOL.

Cutting back alcohol

I did this. I can confirm I saved no more money (see – kale price), I felt no more energised (see – calorie counting shame spirals) and I felt like an outcast at social occasions.

Dancing

Dancing is meant to be good for your soul. Try dancing every day, sober.

Meditating

I spent my whole time attempting to meditate wondering if I was meditating right. And then thinking about chocolate. And then stressing that I should be meditating. And then wondering if I was doing it right. And repeat...

My experience confirmed one thing for me, a little bit of what's bad for you -- is good for you. Roll on June, no real person looks grand in a bikini anyway.

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