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The 5 People You'll Never Meet At A Wedding

Sometimes you need to lie about your day job.

25/11/2016 12:55 PM AEDT | Updated 27/11/2016 6:04 AM AEDT
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GK Hart/Vikki Hart
You'll never meet a scientist who tests on animals.

It's wedding season. It's time for flowers, speeches and streaky orange skin. Every wedding I have been to (and there have been plenty) has been different.

I've nut-bushed in a pizza restaurant. I've spent hours contemplating how people figured out which grapes to pick from the vineyard to make chardonnay. I've smashed plates and I've danced the Zorba with 500 very polite and far-more-coordinated people.

Across all of the weddings I have attended, I have eaten over 150 courses, ruined two dresses and have made dozens of new best friends.

The most interesting man I have ever met at a wedding was a deep-sea diver for the navy. Wow, right? What an extremely dangerous and rare job. I was so engrossed in his stories of the deep that I forbade him from excusing himself to go to the bathroom. I've celebrated love with politicians, high court judges, beauticians, and traffic controllers.

I'm starting to grow concerned, though. There seems to be a demographic in my awkward wedding reception small talk that is missing. The social gap from my wedding escapades belong to the shameful profession sphere. These people are either excluded from receiving white linen wedding invitations, or are all seated on the same table, where they all dutifully lie to each other about their day job.

I have never met:

1. A parking inspector

This profession falls into the "I tell white lies about what I do" category.

Perhaps the council worker I met last November was in fact the one who booked me for parking in a bus stop illegally when I was late for a meeting. Maybe he was the reason I learned to budget when I was 18 and couldn't afford parking, let alone a car, and had to go on a $2 per week payment plan for my $61 fine.

I understand why they lie. Despite the fact they are doing a civil duty, they are segregated. Has anyone actually had a positive experience with a parking inspector?

They probably fear being holed up in corners and harassed by strangers for tips and secrets or ways to get out of their fine.

Keep on fibbing guys. It's in everyone's best interests.

2. A WorkSafe inspector

Many would argue that two of the top five reasons a person is disliked are; not respecting people's time and never apologising. Enter WorkSafe inspectors.

We have all seen the commercials. They are the tough people that lovely, honest tradesmen fear most. They have the power to ruin an empire, a family business, and the ability to sign a form that hinders man's greatest duty -- putting food on the table for his family.

Despite the emphasis on OH&S, the union rallies, and the traumatic media campaigns, WorkSafe workers will always be feared.

3. A funeral director

The job title alone makes you picture darkness and despair, doesn't it? I see black and broken families.

People die and families scrape to pay for exorbitant funerals that they can neither afford, nor will the deceased remember. And who reaps the benefits?

Funeral directors. I need not say more.

4. A scientist who tests on animals

"Hi, what do you do?"

"I test chemicals and products on animals"

"So, you like, put mascara on cute little bunnys?"

"No, I make the specimen inhale or ingest, or I rub the product in their eyes or on their skin to test for inflammation, reactions, or possibly death"

Said no one ever...

5. A telemarketer

People get a little excited when the phone rings. Anyone could be calling. There are infinite possibilities: The lottery has finally found your numbers, a new job offer or the woman you met in the lift last week. Instead, it's a telemarketer trying to sell electricity you already own.

This demographic isn't so bad, it is easy for them to twist the truth.

No, of course they aren't the people who have interrupted your dinner countless times. They can skate through a social event as telephonic specialists, inbound of course, that are there on the other end of the line to assist with your every need.

They must have the gift of the gab or something.

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