In order to survive this wild and chlamydia-ridden world we live in, it is of vital importance that a single gal is very selective with the gentlemen she chooses to converse with. So selective, in fact, that she runs out of men to reject. So here are the 10 reasons I rejected you on Tinder...
1. You are giving the 'rude' finger in all of your pictures.
It pains me that this is even a thing. You are trying to take a dip in my lady pool... stop flipping the bird. The last time I did this thinking I was cool I was 10 years old and my mum caught me and made me write an apology letter to the bus driver. #YeahCheersMum
2. You only have group photos.
I'm hoping you are the gorgeous chap in the middle, but from my extensive experience, you are the bloke on the end with the neck tattoo, snake lips and dad bod... NEXT!
3. You are super negative in your biography.
I cannot stress this enough. Let me give you an example: "Ben, 32. So we match and then you say nothing? Seriously, you can fuck off. Got no time for stuck-up bitches aye." Now, Ben. You seem just charming but I'm sensing some anger and a lot of hurt that you have been suppressing. Less hating on the ladies, dude. Woo me Ben. WOO. ME.
4. You are far too handsome/ripped.
Been there. Done that. Got the AVO. Seriously though, I don't want to have to pretend to be sporty and gym obsessed. I like my lazy life. Just looking at you makes me feel guilty. TONE DOWN THE SEXY!
5. You live further than 40km away.
I'm just really not that keen on driving.
6. You are drinking and doing the weird surfer hand gesture in every photo.
This may seem hypocritical given my love of chardonnay BUT based on my past experiences, I'm not looking for a boozy bogan. Put the beer down and smile for the camera.
7. You seemed perfect, so I swiped right, then your first comment is a disgusting comment about underage girls.
Please go and put your hand in a nutribullet.
8. You are in an open relationship and looking for a third person to join the musketeers.
There is an app for you -- it's called 3inder and you will find those of your kind. Now, bugger off and stop being so greedy.
9. You are my cousin.
Society/science says no.
10. You are my ex.
I am aware that I am being a picky little so and so, but I have high standards for myself these days! I'm not interested in wasting my time or going on dates because I don't want to hurt your feelings. I'm looking for 'the one', have you seen him?