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We Will Fight Them, If We're Not At The Beaches

27/11/2015 5:09 AM AEDT | Updated 15/07/2016 12:51 PM AEST
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MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA - NOVEMBER 22 : A banner of the Reclaim Australia group is seen during a protest organized by the far right wing group as an anti-racist group stage rival demonstration in Melbourne, Australia on November 22, 2015. (Photo by Asanka Brendon Ratnayake/Anadolu Agency/Getty Images)

SCENE -- an undisclosed hall in Frankston, Victoria. A podium draped in an Australian flag stands in front of approximately 500 chairs. Seventeen of them are occupied. At the podium stands Trevor, stretching his neck uncomfortably, as though his Southern Cross tattoo is trying to reject the shirt collar and tie that are currently covering it.

Trevor looks at his watch. The time is 8.22 pm. He decides to start the 8 pm meeting.

TREVOR: Thanks everyone for coming. Shame that so many of the silent majority decided to stay silent, but thanks to everyone here who has shown they are willing to stand up for Australia.

Now I know some of you thought that Blair Cottrell and the United Patriots Front might have stolen our thunder by announcing their upcoming political party Fortitude last Monday. A couple of you have even suggested we call our party Fivetitude. But before we settle on a name there're a couple of things we need to sort out.

First, we need to look a bit more middle-ground than the UPF, so I'm sorry but anyone with any sort of Nazi tattoo is going to have to go. Jonno, good effort trying to make your swastika look like a windmill, but it still looks like a Nazi windmill, plus we don't want anything to link us to the Greens so you've got the worst of both worlds there, mate. Don't worry, we still need you to shout at women in burkhas on trains, but you just can't be official.

A few chairs are vacated.

TREVOR: Right. Second, one of the points we use to get people to hate -- I mean, to warn Australians about the risk Islam poses to our way of life is to call Islam homophobic. That means we can't be rough on the gays ourselves. Don't look at me like that, Tyson. Breaks my heart when you look at me like that. So, anyone involved with Rise Up Australia, Danny Nalliah has pretty much punched your ticket, I'm afraid. Heh, ticket puncher. Almost sounds like another word for poofter. Anyway, thanks for coming.

More chairs are vacated.

TREVOR: Third, people are getting upset with those of us who protect our identities from those who would punish us for our beliefs by covering our faces with the Aussie flag. So, anyone who has shown their love for their country in this particular way is going to have to go.

More people stand.

DEREK (sitting in the front row): Trev, mate-

TREVOR: Just a sec, Derek.

DEREK: Yeah, but Trev-

TREVOR: Just a sec! Wait till things have settled again.

Those who have stood, walk out.

TREVOR: Now, what is it?

DEREK: If they had their faces covered, no-one knows who they are. They coulda stayed.

Trevor squints and his lips move silently for a few seconds, then...

TREVOR: Bugger.

Trevor scratches his neck.

TREVOR: Anyway, Derek, I wish you'd worn a bloody flag on your face. What were you doing yelling that shit at that news reporter? Plus the hip and shoulder you gave her to get on camera could've put her out for the season!

DEREK: I was just doing something I saw on the internet.

TREVOR: We're saying Islam is anti-women, and you yell "fuck her right in the pussy" in front of a TV camera? Jesus, mate, next time copy a different video, make a cat play a piano or some shit. We can't use you now either.

Derek looks down.

TREVOR: So, with that out of the way, what will we call our party, our strong patriotic force that will bring Australia back to its glory days and will resist those who would plot against our way of life?

Derek looks around the room. Only the two of them are left.

DEREK: May as well call it "Trevor".

Note: any similarities to any real Trevors, Jonnos, Tysons or Dereks is purely coincidental, and none were harmed in the writing of this piece.

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