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'The Force Awakenzzzzzzzzzzzzz' Mania Is Sending Me To Sleep

14/12/2015 11:55 AM AEDT | Updated 15/07/2016 12:51 PM AEST
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So 'Star Wars: The Force Awakens' will be released in the coming days and the world has lost its collective mind.

Except for me. Forgive me if I don't get excited, I'm yet to see a 'Star Wars' film. I'll pass.

The insanity surrounding 'The Force Awakens' started back in October when the trailer was released, and then reached tsunami proportions when Harrison Ford appeared on every possible Australian TV program and in the flesh at the Sydney Opera House. "I'm sure Harrison will notice me if I wear my Han Solo costume." There were a couple of blokes dressed as Indiana Jones, who would have drawn death stares from the Jar Jar Binks types. That's the insidious power of 'Star Wars' -- I've never seen a film, but I know the bloody characters.

Ford always seems to be fairly bemused by the whole 'Star Wars' thing and the legions of fans, which was evident during his interview with (self-confessed fan) Leigh Sales. Sure, 'Star Wars' was his meal ticket and propelled his career at warp-factor speed (I know, wrong sci-fi term), but Ford often uses the words "work" and "a job" to describe his time seated next to his hirsute co-pilot.

The first 'Star Wars' film was released a long time ago in a year far, far away: 1977. The same year as Queen Elizabeth's Silver Jubilee, and the Bee Gees released the 'Saturday Night Fever' soundtrack. No doubt hardcore 'Star Wars' fan types have drawn some form of nerdish, non-existent, vortex-time-space-continuum-parallels between all three.

I was a young kid in 1977 and didn't buckle to peer and advertising pressure to get on board the (Harrison Ford leg-fracturing) Millennium Falcon (see, I know that much). I was more interested in chasing girls, kicking a footy and cricket in the backyard than playing with Luke Skywalker figurines. Back then, being a smart arse, too-cool-for-school type of kid, I refused to see the film everyone was talking about. Thirty eight years later, nothing has changed. Each to their own.

Although, I'd much rather read about these hardcore 'Star Wars' fans (have I used the word 'geeks' yet?) shooting each other in imaginary interplanetary battles at 'Star Wars' conventions than psycho-terrorists on the streets of Paris doing the real thing, or a would be American President shooting his mouth off. Again.

Another issue I have with the whole 'Star Wars' palaver is the concept of the money-grubbing prequel. Not a fan. They squeeze all the narrative and cash out of the several thousand sequels, and then someone pipes up with "I know! How about a prequel or twelve?" Sequels and prequels should be banned by the UN.

(Let's just hope reality TV shows don't catch on. Imagine a Kardashian prequel -- the pre-school years. It probably wouldn't work because it would be before the days of selfies, belfies and lip fillers, but if you steal my idea Momager Kris Jenner, I want a cut.)

I have to say my all-time favourite 'Star Wars' scene is a stand up comedy bit by Eddie Izzard which some genius set to stop-motion Lego. The scene is set in the Death Star canteen and features the immortal line from that asthmatic bloke in black: "It's not a game of who the f*ck are you." The wickedly ingenious concept of killing people with trays and/or thoughts and a penne arrabiata shout out is brilliant.

If all the dialogue in the 'Star Wars' films was as good, Eddie Izzard played every character and they were created in Lego, I'd be a lightsaber-wielding fan-boi.

As is, I'd rather be sleeping.

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