It's the most wonderful time of the year -- but by now you should be merrily sated, liberally tippled and ready to crash on the couch for an afternoon of Christmas and chill.
If you're scrolling through your Netflix account wondering whether today's the day to start bingeing on Narcos or Peaky Blinders, well, DON'T. Excellent series though they may be, today is a merry day and what, with all the drugs and guns and staring (that Pablo Escobar is quite the starer) ... it's probably going to kill your holiday chill.
Take it from this reporter, who once sat down to watch the happy tale of 'American History X' one Christmas. Spoiler alert: It's not a happy tale. Lest we make that mistake again, here are your top five options for an afternoon of good watching.
5. Lethal Weapon
OK, so forget about what we said about the drugs and the guns. Because Lethal Weapon is, despite the titular words 'lethal' and 'weapon', really just a jolly story set at Christmas time of a man coming to grips with his past (Riggs) and a man coming to grips with his future (Murtaugh). You've watched your younger relatives running around putting together their new Star Wars Lego sets and now you're probably feeling, well...
Good. You're ready. Now let Mel Gibson's crazy eyes hypnotise you for 110 excellent minutes.
4. Love Actually
You've done well. Now it's time to settle into something a little more, dare we say, Christmas-y. You've probably read a half-dozen listicles over the past few years tearing Love Actually to pieces. Well you know what? Those people hate Christmas. Why would you tear apart a rom-com that's genuinely heavy on the com and features a Tourettes-style outburst from Bill Nighy? Love Actually, all I want for Christmas... is you.
3. Die Hard
Isn't that nice, Hugh Grant ended up with Natalie! Apologies for the spoiler but you've already watched this film 79 times. There's no shame in that. This is a safe space. But you know what's NOT a safe space? The NAKATOMI PLAZA, where the evil Hans Gruber and his evil henchmen are holed up being, er, evil. You remember Hans Gruber from Love Actually, don't you? He was the evil husband who cheated on his wife with his evil secretary. So much evil. But thanks to real-life Santa Claus John McClane, who's got an even better stare than Pablo Escobar, Christmas WILL be saved.
But not before two hours and 11 minutes of the greatest action film ever made. This is Bruce Willis's party. Sorry 'bout it, Hans Gruber.
2. Wayne's World (... wait for it)
"Wayne's World isn't a Christmas film!"
We've read your future Facebook comments. Hear us out. Wayne's World is a story of love, ambition, friendship and a man with a dream. That IS the Christmas spirit. Not to mention the assortment of hairnets and name tags. And the cast! Christopher Walken does the most on-point Christopher Walken impression, Modern Family's Ed O'Neill rants about the Grinch inside his head, Rob Lowe is peak Bae and Tia Carrere stars as every 30-year-old man's first crush. And if you're still not convinced, Wayne's reaction to his "psycho hose beast" ex girlfriend's present is everyone who received a crappy Christmas present.
A gun rack? A gun rack... hyah, right.
1. Home Alone
We were always going to end up here. Milk, cookies, torturing bad guys. The creepy old neighbour who turned out to be the good guy (and re-unites with his hot daughter in the snow).
Home Alone is the greatest Christmas movie for three reasons.
1) Ultimately, after all the hangovers and wrapping paper and turkey and family arguments, we all want to be left the heck alone for a while;
2) Before Macaulay Caulkin was all:
He was:
3) It's Home Alone.
Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.