Thinking of holding a Super Bowl 50 bash? You'll need more than chicken wings and stars 'n' stripes flags to make it the real deal. Americans take Super Bowl seriously, straight to the borderline of bonkers. Imagine both Grand Finals multiplied by the Melbourne Cup multiplied by two-up on Anzac Day, and you're not even breathing down the neck of close.
Not for the first time, being marooned in geographical no-man's land means for Australians, this year's Super Bowl 50 between the Carolina Panthers and the Denver Broncos will kick off on Monday at 10.30am (AEDT).
An awkward time for sport, but the ideal time to chuck a sickie – or Gastromondaymorning, as it's known medically - so, really, why not throw a party? Just make sure you do it right.
Food and Drink
All self-respecting Superbowl party tables should be pleading for mercy under the weight of chicken wings, hot chips and pizza slices, but there's brownie points to be earned with serious effort.
Try presenting some food in team colours. Sounds tricky this season, given the Panthers' blue uniforms, but it's nothing a dash of food colouring on, say, popcorn can't sort. Or stock up on team-themed beer labels: Tooheys New (blue) for the Carolina crew, Coopers Sparkling Ale (red) for the Bronco boys.
'Tailgating' is a rich gridiron tradition whereby fans cook grilled food from the back of their SUVs and utes in car parks outside sporting stadiums.
So, why not turn the back of your truck into a huge ice bucket and get the BBQ smoking? It's not strictly tailgating, but at least you're making an effort.
After impressing guests with your Super Bowl factoids and the - four hour! - game has kicked off, keep the vibe up with some good old fashioned party games in theme with the game.
Write out pieces of paper with Super Bowl player's names on them and get guests to pick a few each; if that name is mentioned during the commentary, the holder is forced to do 10 push ups. Or pick a word guests are banned from saying during the action - offenders must act as someone's personal footrest for five minutes. Pranks are big stateside.
It's no accident that none of said games involve getting I-can't-feel-my-face drunk by lunch. Super Bowl's mid-point music shows are the stuff of legend and you don't want to miss it. Coldplay and Beyonce this year if you need convincing.
Likewise, party playlists should reflect this. Think American classics: Bon Jovi, Guns N' Roses, Kid Rock. If you're stuck on what to include, ask yourself: would this song be on Bruce Springsteen's iTunes? If the answer is no, delete.
Just remember. Turn the music off if the phone rings. It's probably the boss, asking how you're doing with that Monday morning gastro.
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