"Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice" had everything it needed to make a great movie: superheroes. And a lot of them. But something happened along the way. Perhaps Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) was secretly behind it.
Meh ... then again, probably not. His plans are ridiculous and don't make sense.
Anyway, despite the early hype, reviews of the movie came out, and they haven't been stellar. So what went wrong? Well, here are 22 things, for starters:
(Warning! Major "Batman v Superman" spoilers.)
1. The name Martha.
Everyone has a weakness. Superman (Henry Cavill) has kryptonite. Batman (Ben Affleck) has ... his mom's name? More on that later because this movie is obsessed with the name Martha.
2. Everywhere anything happens is likely uninhabited. There are no people anywhere!
Don't worry. There's no repeat of the destruction from "Man of Steel" here. No make-believe people were harmed in the making of this film. If anything blows up, we are repeatedly reassured everyone's OK. Repeatedly.
3. Everyone seems to think Superman shot a bunch of people.
Yeah, Superman must've killed all these people. That darn Man of Steel with all his guns, right? Hah, typical Superman.
4. Batman's dream about a giant bat.
After a quick reminder that the name Martha is important (thanks, y'all, 'cause we forgot already), a giant bat-like monster comes at Batman. Sure. Why not? This is probably the least confusing dream in the movie.
5. Batman's dream about other flying monsters.
Unfortunately, that giant bat dream made too much sense, so it was time to add in some flying monsters teasing potential villain Darkseid. But don't worry, no need for any explanation.
It's just too bad they couldn't throw in the name Martha a few times here. #MissedOpportunity
6. Seriously, how much does Batman sleep?
Is this whole movie a dream sequence? Are these all visions? Have we all been incepted? This is all your fault, Leo.
7. Wait ... was that The Flash? ... gosh, I hope not.
The Flash seems to tap into the power of Speed Force and show up in a dream (of course) to tell Batman something about Lois Lane, but you can barely make out what he's trying to say, and none of it seems relevant.
Dude is either saying, "Lois is the key" or "I gotta pee."
8. Quick reminder: Martha! Martha! Martha!
9. Quick reminder: There's no people anywhere.
No one is getting hurt, and people are still named Martha. Noted.
10. "I'm not a lady. I'm a journalist."
Yeah, you tell 'em, Amy Adams.
"This is a ladies' room. I can't use this. Where's your restroom for journalists?"
11. Batman gets a bunch of angry letters. One says something like this:
Whoa! Are there ghosts in this movie, too? Scary.
12. Sure, the world is about to end, but that can wait. Wonder Woman needs to check her email.
Image: Tumblr
Right when things are building up, the movie takes a quick intermission from the plot as Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) receives an email from Batman. It has stolen files from Lex Luthor and introduces videos of future Justice League members, but the whole scene doesn't have anything to do with what's going on.
If Batman sent her a bunch of cat videos instead, it would've seemed more relevant. At least we'd be like, "Oh, they both like cats. Meow this movie's getting good."
Plus, uh, has Wonder Woman ever used a computer before? Because it kind of seems like she has no idea what she's doing.
I remember my first email ...
13. After an intense fight scene, Batman and Superman realize their moms are both named Martha. Suddenly, they're BFFs.
Oh, so that's why the movie keeps repeating "Martha." OK. Got it.
... and that's when a little part of me died.
14. Batman saves Superman's mom and is all like, "I'm a friend of your son."
No. No. No. No. No.
You're not friends. Your moms are both just named Martha. That's it. Your moms are just named Martha!
15. Yep. There's Doomsday's butt.
"OK, let's zoom in, and just hold right there on that butt, guys. Perfect," said someone on the set, probably.
16. But... there's only a butt.
Well, at least it finally explains why he's so mad.
17. Superman gets nuked in space. It's cool though, he's fine in like five minutes.
In fact, let's just forget that happened. Like a lot of things in this movie, it's not really important. Moving on...
18. Sure, we're in the middle of a huge battle, but it totally makes sense that Superman stops and hears Lois Lane drowning under some rubble. Uh, why is she here again?
And as long as we're here, we might as well talk about love for a bit, right? We might as well ...
19. Harry Potter's parents don't appear when Doomsday and Superman's powers lock.
Image: Bustle
Another #MissedOpportunity.
20. Vin Diesel doesn't appear during the random car chase or all the other scenes that remind you of the "Fast & Furious" franchise.
He doesn't have superheroes. He's got family.
21. Batman visits Lex Luthor in prison and says stuff about finding him wherever he goes.
Uh, he's in prison, dude. Mission accomplished.
Also, Lex keeps saying, "Ding, ding, ding." Please stop that.
22. Whoa. Our moms are both named Martha?
Ugh. We know how you feel, Ben. We know how you feel ...
"Batman v Superman" is in theaters now.
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