“They want to know if they are having enough sex, the right kind of sex, if their partner wants too much sex,” Nelson, a sexologist and the author of The New Monogamy, said. “Sometimes, they’re worried that they should be doing something totally different in bed.”
In response, Nelson usually tells people the same thing.
“Forget about ‘normal.’ ‘Normal’ is a setting on the washing machine, nothing more. What’s most important is that you learn to have empathy for your partner and accept whatever their needs might be, even if they are different than your own,” she explained.
Stop worrying about how often other couples are doing it.
Forgot about keeping up with the Jones’ very active sex life: Each couple has a “norm” when it comes to sex and that’s what you should be concerned about, said Dawn Michael, a sexologist and the author of My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me.
“If a couple had sex three times a week for many years and it’s now down to once a week, the pattern has changed and the frequency has gone down,” she said. “We focus on that in our conversation.”
But Michael also stresses that when it comes to sex, there is no magic number ― and most couples who say they’re getting it on all the time are fibbing.
“A lot of couples will say they have sex three times a week, but from what I see in my private practice, that number does not correlate with the truth.”
What’s normal for you now won’t be what’s normal for you in a few years.
What matters more than finding a nationwide average is determining how sexually satisfied you are at this point in your life, said Chris Rose, sex educator at the website Pleasure Mechanics.
“Your shared sex life is a constant navigation between the tides of your libido, your time and energy, and mutual desire to prioritize sex,” she said. “Frequent conversations about your sex life ― and increasing the amount of affectionate touch you share outside of the bedroom ― may actually be the most important factors in a long-term sexually satisfying relationship.”