No two breakup are exactly alike â but the fights couples have along the road to splitting up tend to be remarkably similar.
Below, marriage therapists share seven fights couples usually have right before they call it quits.
1. The âI feel like weâre roommatesâ fight
Most marriages canât survive on birthday sex alone: Although some couples donât place a priority on sex, many feel itâs critical to a satisfying relationship. When sex is put on the back burner, the âI feel like weâre roommatesâ argument isnât usually far behind, said Sari Cooper, a therapist in New York City and host of the web show âSex Esteem.â
âThe partner who complains is letting the other person know that the erotic frisson has evaporated and that the lack of sexual contact really is no longer acceptable,â she said. âIf the listening partner isnât willing to work together to renew the erotic connection, the relationship may be headed toward a breakup.â
2. The âwe never should have gotten togetherâ fight
Couples in healthy relationships usually think back fondly on their early days together. If youâre more inclined to dredge up the negative memories (âHey, remember that time two months into our relationship when you forgot to pick me up at the airport?â), it doesnât bode well for your future, said Kari Carroll, a marriage and family therapist in Portland, Oregon.
âWhen positive memories start to fade, itâs a signal that partners are emotionally distancing themselves from each other,â she said. âTheyâre rewriting the past and convincing themselves that this partnership must have been doomed from the start.â
To save the relationship, Carroll tells couples to remind themselves of the good times, even if it means spending a little time clicking through old Facebook photo albums.
âThis helps shift the tempting negative thinking into an optimistic perspective,â she said.
3. The âIâm sorry you feel that wayâ fight
For an apology to mean anything, it has to be genuine. When you tell your spouse âIâm sorry you feel that wayâ after you get into a heated argument, youâre dismissing his feelings and essentially issuing a non-apology apology, said Danielle Kepler, a therapist based in Chicago, Illinois.
âInstead of reducing the tension, this sort of apology comes off as condescending and contemptuous,â she said. âApologizing for your partnerâs feelings does not convey that you understand where they are coming from. Failed repair attempts are another sign of a possible unhappy future.â
4. The hyperbolic âyou always do thisâ or ânever do thatâ fight
Stay clear of blanket statements when youâre arguing with your partner â âYou never think to invite me out with your friends,â for instance, or âYou always leave the dishes piled up for me to wash.â
Whatever the issue, using accusatory generalizations and words like âneverâ and âalwaysâ tends to lead to resentment and big, overblown fights, said Marni Feuerman, a marriage and family therapist in Boca Raton, Florida.
âSometimes people realize they are using these extreme terms and stop themselves,â she said. âOther times, they start to believe it really is the case â âHe does always take his motherâs side over mine,â for instance. Thatâs when it can lead to a big relationship blowup.â