Now that the perennial not-in-the-mood excuse of “Not tonight, honey. I have a headache” has become little more than a joke punchline, we came up with some more current replacements. Here’s what people have been hearing -- especially middle-aged people -- circa 2016:
1. “I could never sleep with a Trump supporter.”
Yes, this is a real thing. It may even been our very own Noah Michelson, the Voices editorial director here at HuffPost, who started it. As Michelson wrote last August, “I’ve been trying to brainstorm specific ways ... for each of us to help fight this certain and specific brand of evil now facing our country and I finally think I’ve come up with a halfway decent idea: Let’s agree we won’t sleep with anyone who is a Trump supporter. Not now, not for the next three months ― hell, I’m willing to say never again if you are.”
Michelson admitted that the idea isn’t exactly original ― the Greek playwright Aristophanes had it a few thousand years ago ― but, Michelson added, “it’s [still] a damn good one.”
Desperate times require desperate measures, am I right?
2. “You follow Anthony Weiner on Twitter.”
Guilt by association is a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.
3. “Sorry, but I need to binge-watch Netflix.”
Who wants Monday morning to come around and you’re the only one in the office who hasn’t caught up? Don’t be the person who tells everyone not to spoil it for you. Nobody likes that person.
4. “My plant-based lunch of locally sourced brussels sprouts, massaged kale, raw cauliflower and sprouted farro gave me terrible gas.”
Sometimes, a little goodness goes a long way.
5. “I can’t get my Spanx off.”
Funny, isn’t it, how they must have shrunk during the day?
6. “No time! My crowd-funding project ends tomorrow and I’m not even close.”
Money first, especially when it’s other people’s.