Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Get married and have kids so that you can be woken up at 4:56 am on a Saturday by someone asking what the opposite of "J" is.— Ash (@cray_at_home_ma) March 4, 2017
Being a parent is just basically walking around the house saying, "Clean up this mess!" until everyone is crying.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 5, 2017
I put a lot of effort into making 4yo's birthday cake so it will be perfect for when she tells me she wanted it to be completely different.— Missy (@MamaFizzles) March 7, 2017
Bedtime:— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) March 8, 2017
Put on pjs
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
6yo: "When my play date gets here you and her mom can just go do 'Mom Things' like drink wine and talk about Girl Scout cookies, ok?"— Wendy S. (@maughammom) March 4, 2017
Tell me what you want— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 8, 2017
what you really really want
I wanna really really really want you to finish your damn homework
I've lost my voice, but it doesn't make much difference because my kids never listen to me anyway.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 5, 2017
4-year-old: "Mommy, I accidentally flushed the potty over and over and the pee-pee water flowed everywhere, so I ran away."— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) March 6, 2017
Kids don’t have breakfast, lunch & dinner times. They have food spilling, stealing & throwing times. And those are all of the time.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 7, 2017
Sorry, kids. Looks like we are having Tagalongs for dinner since I spent all of our weekly grocery money on 3 boxes of Girl Scout cookies.— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) March 5, 2017
I just did paper mâché with my kids for the first time.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) March 8, 2017
And the last time.
Me sleeping with my congested toddler and getting beat up like... pic.twitter.com/xmGDXopjuE— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) March 8, 2017
Save time on laundry by wearing the same outfit over&over until your kid wipes his boogery face on your shirt oh god how is this my life now— Myrrh (@ixix82) March 9, 2017
I've reached the stage of parenting where my kids are rebuilding our home out of play-doh and I don't even care because they're being quiet.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) March 8, 2017
Parenting: Spent the weekend trying not to burst a blood vessel over my kids' behavior then got emotional and teary just watching them sleep— Fowl Language Comics (@fowlcomics) March 6, 2017
6 wants to travel back in time to the '90's...when the dinosaurs were still alive.— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) March 8, 2017
Just watched my 7yo crumble up bacon and put it in his cereal, and now he's my new life coach— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 7, 2017
We didn't have to get our kids ready for school this morning & somehow we saved 4827 minutes & added 11 years onto our life expectancy.— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) March 9, 2017
5y.o: "I'm starving! Can I have a snack?"— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 7, 2017
Me: "Dinner's almost ready."
5: "What's dinner?"
5: "Ew! I'm not hungry."