Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Get married and have kids so that you can be woken up at 4:56 am on a Saturday by someone asking what the opposite of "J" is.
— Ash (@cray_at_home_ma) March 4, 2017
Being a parent is just basically walking around the house saying, "Clean up this mess!" until everyone is crying.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 5, 2017
I put a lot of effort into making 4yo's birthday cake so it will be perfect for when she tells me she wanted it to be completely different.
— Missy (@MamaFizzles) March 7, 2017
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) March 8, 2017
6yo: "When my play date gets here you and her mom can just go do 'Mom Things' like drink wine and talk about Girl Scout cookies, ok?"
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) March 4, 2017
Tell me what you want
what you really really want
I wanna
I wanna
I wanna
I wanna really really really want you to finish your damn homework
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 8, 2017
I've lost my voice, but it doesn't make much difference because my kids never listen to me anyway.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 5, 2017
4-year-old: "Mommy, I accidentally flushed the potty over and over and the pee-pee water flowed everywhere, so I ran away."
Happy Monday!
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) March 6, 2017
Kids don’t have breakfast, lunch & dinner times. They have food spilling, stealing & throwing times. And those are all of the time.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 7, 2017
Sorry, kids. Looks like we are having Tagalongs for dinner since I spent all of our weekly grocery money on 3 boxes of Girl Scout cookies.
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) March 5, 2017
I just did paper mâché with my kids for the first time.
And the last time.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) March 8, 2017
Me sleeping with my congested toddler and getting beat up like... pic.twitter.com/xmGDXopjuE
— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) March 8, 2017
Save time on laundry by wearing the same outfit over&over until your kid wipes his boogery face on your shirt oh god how is this my life now
— Myrrh (@ixix82) March 9, 2017
I've reached the stage of parenting where my kids are rebuilding our home out of play-doh and I don't even care because they're being quiet.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) March 8, 2017
Parenting: Spent the weekend trying not to burst a blood vessel over my kids' behavior then got emotional and teary just watching them sleep
— Fowl Language Comics (@fowlcomics) March 6, 2017
6 wants to travel back in time to the '90's...when the dinosaurs were still alive.
— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) March 8, 2017
Just watched my 7yo crumble up bacon and put it in his cereal, and now he's my new life coach
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 7, 2017
We didn't have to get our kids ready for school this morning & somehow we saved 4827 minutes & added 11 years onto our life expectancy.
— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) March 9, 2017
5y.o: "I'm starving! Can I have a snack?"
Me: "Dinner's almost ready."
5: "What's dinner?"
Me: "Meatloaf."
5: "Ew! I'm not hungry."
— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 7, 2017