A woman learned the hard way about meeting people with incomplete dating profiles, when the man she agreed to meet turned out to be pretty old... As in like, 97 or something.
Priya (aka @priya_ebooks) decided to tweet a cautionary tale about her dating experience, which was actually a 6pm meet-up for coffee (or camomile tea for him).
Unfortunately, the date took a turn for the worse towards the end.
Priyaβs thread has since been retweeted more than 3,500 times and has even been shared in a Twitter moment.
Hereβs what she had to say...
omg did i ever tweet about the time i went on a date with a 97 year old. its my favourite old man story
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
i didn't KNOW he was OLD. he had one of those okcupid pictures of like, the side of his face looking toward a mountain. you know those ones
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
impossible to tell anything from those pictures except that the person possesses part of a face. not to be faceist but i need a whole face
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
but his profile was interesting. he had written dozens of paragraphs about all the places he'd been too. but not in a braggy way ya know
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
so i was like "okay cool this guy seems interesting let's meet"
he suggested dinner
at SIX PM
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
i replied "i don't eat dinner that early. i'm brown"
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
(at this point you may be wondering what he had listed his age as.
he hadn't
I KNOW
but there were a lot of blank spaces in his profile)
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
i say "let's just get coffee instead?"
he says okay
so i go to the cafe around six
it's snowing like a motherfucker outside
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
i walk in and spend ten minutes unwinding my scarf/taking off the 45 layers of outside clothes you need in Boston in January
i look around
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
nobody! NOT A SOUL. just a pile of coats on a chair
i'm like 'okay cool this dude isn't punctual. that's something we have in common"
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
i get a coffee and wait
5 minutes pass
10 minutes
then, TO MY EVERLASTING HORROR-THE PILE OF COATS MOVES
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
...reveals its face, and says in a voice like dry leaves rubbing together "hello are you priya?"
guys
GUYS.
guys
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
we are not talking old like your dad. we are not talking old like George Clooney. we are not talking old like "doesn't get memes" old
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
WE ARE TALKING OLD LIKE THEY'RE SO OLD THEY STARTED SHRINKING BACK INTO THEMSELVES OLD. LIKE THEY'RE GETTING SMALLER AGAIN. LIKE A JELLYFISH
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
IT IS HARD TO PLACE AN AGE ON HIM BUT MY CONSERVATIVE ESTIMATE WOULD BE, 79
*remembers Donald Trump is 70*
NO, 89
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
he gestured for the attendant
turns out he wasn't drinking coffee
he was drinking chamomile tea
which, of course he was
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
"coffee keeps me up at night" OKAY MAN
anyway, he starts talking about travelling
i wanted to ask him what Vietnam was like in 1950
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
eventually i relax. i felt like you would if you were talking to your granddad by the fire
i ask him about his OKC profile
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
he gives me the most innocuous answer you can give anyone "i'm writing a book & i wanted to put something in about social media these days"
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
i figured he was too old to understand that okcupid wasn't SOCIAL MEDIA it was a dating site. like to meet people for SEX
old ppl-mistake
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
NBD right? anyway it's now 7 o clock and dude is like "i had better get going"
i was all solicitous like "of course! be careful out there"
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
THEN
he lays a wizened hand on my arm
we both look at it
it feels really small and cold and dry
like a twig
or AN OLD MAN'S HAND ON MY ARM
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
he says "i live two blocks down and i dont really use my dick a lot but the women have told me they prefer my mouth"
πππππππππππππππππππ
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
Oh dear.
I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT. I BLACKED OUT. SOMETIMES THE HUMAN BODY DOES THAT, TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM TRAUMA
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
i mean i know i did SOMEthing - laughed in a high pitch? excused myself? PAID FOR THE TEA, EVEN?- but we will never know what it was
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
Some words came out of my mouth.I departed the coffee shop.
On the corner, a dog howled piteously. That made sense to me
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
I went home, took a bath, and deleted my Okcupid account -FIN
— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017
Something tells us Priya will be performing scrupulous background checks on all future dates.