09/07/2017 10:13 PM AEST | Updated 09/07/2017 10:14 PM AEST

We Watched The First Episode Of 'Yummy Mummies' So You Don't Have To

It's like 'Rosemary's Baby' without the laughs.

Channel 7

Just what we all needed, a show that treats pregnancy like it's a sexually transmitted handbag. Channel Seven's 'Yummy Mummies' is like the world's slowest train wreck, and it's impossible to look away.

Following four women, each more pregnant than the last, the show aims to string together the world's most convoluted premise in an attempt to showcase the third trimester of privilege. It's like all the fun of 'Real Housewives' but no one's allowed a vodka lime soda.

We start off in Melbourne where we meet three of our mums, Lorinska, Rachel and Jane who are members of an exclusive club where the only entry requirement is a baby bump.

"When the three of us walk down the street," Jane tells the camera, "It's quite funny. Because we're all pregnant!" Jane's the comedian of the group.

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The Yummy Mummies in question: Rachel, Lorinska and Jane. Laughing hysterically because they are all pregnant.

These three intelligent women begin tackling the big issues right away -- like frumpy maternity clothes, as they wander into a designer store. Rachel laments the women who, during pregnancy, begin to dress for comfort rather than wearing heels and a short skirt while simultaneously trying to grow a human being. "People are still seeing them! You're pregnant, it doesn't mean you're dying!" Rachel notes.

Meanwhile, we're introduced to the fourth mum. Far (far, far) away in Adelaide lives Maria, who is seven months pregnant and she's expecting a little girl. Maria shows off her set of Burberry shirts, one each for her partner, herself, her baby and her dog. Maria's very close to her family, because there's literally no one else in Adelaide. Maria's mum Margherita is like the greatest 'Kath & Kim' character they didn't write.

Margherita is in a constant state of offering pregnant women alcohol (later she reveals she Googled it and you're absolutely fine to smash a few champagnes). She also has a bluetooth headset permanently attached to her ear like a boozy cyborg from 1993. She's everything you've always wanted in a mum.

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Margherita's bag is full of Maria's baby shower hopes and dreams. Tragically they were all on a clearance rack.

Maria announces that she plans to host Adelaide's biggest Burberry baby shower ever. It's something so oddly specific that, simply by saying it out loud, she's already achieved it.

Back in Melbourne the mums relax with a mid-morning mocktail as they discuss their thriving Instagram account, @MelbourneYumMums, which at the writing of this boasted just over 800 followers. "Everybody wants to know what we're up to and what we're wearing," Lorinska tells the producer who set up the account.

Lorinska decides to tell the girls the horrifying story of how she came to have a fear of breastfeeding. In kindergarten she was taken to a farm and the farmer brought over a cow which then flicked her in the face with the cow's teat. It makes absolutely no sense, which appears to be a running theme.

Back in Adelaide, Maria, her mum and sister are visiting the location where they plan to hold Adelaide's biggest Burberry baby shower ever. It has a guest list of 50.

What ensues next is a 10-minute discussion about the size of the room. There's a wedding booked on the same evening which infuriates Maria. "They've just got to cancel that," she says. Jess, the location coordinator, assures the Digeronimo women that there's no way they can take the bigger room, the room they have is the perfect size, yes their lights can go brighter, absolutely everything can be moved and arranged to Maria's needs. "Well... I'm not having THAT," Maria says, pointing at a table.

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A disgusting, no good table that ruined Maria's day.

After Jess assures them, once again, the other room isn't available, Maria suggests they check out the other room. "I just don't know mum, I think I need to see the other room." The other room is still not available. Maria's dreams of Adelaide's biggest Burberry baby shower are slowly slipping from her grasp, except... you know... it's still a perfectly attainable goal.

Here's when we're introduced to the actual conceit behind the show. Maria's shown an Instagram account to give her inspiration for Adelaide's biggest Burberry baby shower which, you guessed it, turns out to be non other than the @MelbourneYumMums account. What are the odds! The whole room falls silent as Maria scrolls through, looking at these strange women she's never seen or heard of (except during the casting and production meetings for the show).

"EVERYBODY does Tiffany's themes," Maria, the inventor of Burberry, complains as her fingers begin to cramp as she scrolls faster and faster through the images.

Next, after her 33-week scan at which Lorinska both refers to her baby as looking "a bit evil", and trying to check whose nose the fetus has inherited, she heads out to the shops again to look for a "push present".

"A push present," Lorinska's nose explains, "is a reward you get from your husband for being pregnant for nine months." Some people might have thought the child itself is a 'push present' but that hasn't stopped Lorinska as she and the Melbourne mums wander into a jewellery store where they pick out a $99,000 ring. "Get the finger out," the jeweller cries at Lorinska as she tries the ring on.

Channel 7
The last time these ladies looked so closely at a ring they were at the OBGYN.

Back in the wilderness of Adelaide, Maria is still scrolling through the @MelbourneYumMums Instagram account. Her sister tells her to invite the three Melbournite strangers to Adelaide and to her baby shower.

THIS IS THE PREMISE OF THE SHOW? A woman so driven by competitive pregnancy decides to invite an Instagram account of three randoms to her baby shower, AND THEY ACCEPT. It's so contrived and it doesn't make sense and by this point we've strapped the show to our face like an oxygen mask and are inhaling every moment.

"Do you think they'll come?" Maria's sister innocuously asks. "Um, they HAVE to? What else do they have to do with their time???" Maria seriously replies, about three strangers in their third trimesters travelling interstate to attend a stranger's baby shower. Yeah, what else could they possibly have to do?

The Melbourne mums hop on the first flight back to 1992, "We have arrived in Adelaide," Lorinska announces, kicking away a tumbleweed, her voice echoing through the completely empty halls of the airport.

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It's exactly like the opening of 'Love Actually' except, you know, there's literally no one else in the airport.

As the Melbourne mums make their way to Maria's house for a pre-baby shower meeting, Maria makes a massive, shocking decision. With the arrival of the glam squad from Melbourne, she decides to abandon her Burberry theme. As the shock waves ripple through the wider Adelaide community, Maria decides to shift her designer theme over to Versace.

After what feels like a six day car ride through the Adelaide suburbs ("This must be their supermarket..." / "It was a hardware store, Lorinska"), the ladies arrive at Maria's house where they're given a grand tour of her humble home. "That's just my Chanel powder room", Maria says as she waves her hand across a parlour packed with expensive makeup. Her house looks like an abandoned set from 'Behind the Candelabra' -- you're half expecting the tanned body of Michael Douglas to be stashed under one of her piles of designer handbags.

It's the kind of house Siegfried and Roy would call "a little too much".

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At one point during the brunch it's unclear but Jane may be blinking "SOS".

Meanwhile, Margarhita is on the other side of town planning a huge surprise for Maria's baby shower: a Meghan Trainor inspired dance. It's like someone dug up our nightmare journal and brought it to life. She's holding what looks like a cartoon drawing of a skirt, "I had to go to a car place where they sell vinyl," she tells a terrified dance instructor, then she follows it up by telling him "I almost couldn't wear it for you today because it was like Chinese -- It had no split!" The show followed the comment with a comedy gong sound effect for added class.

Our iconic fave goes from zero to problematic in an instant.

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"I'm not a dancer, but I'm going to do this dance like she's never seen," Margarhita says, setting the bar as low as possible.

Back at the house of Versace, the four horsewomen of the pregnancy apocalypse trade backhanded compliments through gritted teeth before Maria gives them a tour of the rest of the house.

"I think these girls are past the point of being impressed, it's turned to jealousy," Maria says as she drags them from cupboard to cupboard, flashing every designer item she's bought her unborn child.

The Melbourne mums don't look jealous as much as they do dehydrated, frantically searching for some kind of emergency exit.

Lorinska asks if the purses are fake, "I'm allergic to counterfake," Maria says, meaning counterfeit. Rachel asks if Maria would ever dress her entire family in the matching Burberry outfits, she tells them people "admire" her when she and her husband and dog match outfits. Jane seems too normal for this whole show.

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Like a 'Baby Cotton On' from hell.

As the women make awkward eye contact the tension is broken when hurricane Margarhita walks in. "Would anyone like some chilled champagne?" she asks the four pregnant women (she Googled it!!!).

The first meeting of the mums goes about as well as a werewolf getting a full body wax -- painful and a lot of howling -- but it has given Maria the energy to put on the best baby shower she possibly can.

Sure, the show has been going for 18,000 hours at this point, but Maria, her sister and mother begin to prepare the second-biggest room for the baby shower. As the Melbourne mums-to-be put their faces on, Maria and Margharita scream theirs off. The baby shower formerly known as Adelaide's biggest Burberry themed baby shower is off to a rocky start with screaming matches on how it should be decorated.

And then Maria shouts at another table.

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"The present table is only big enough for one present." Just like that, the present table is thrown onto the pile of other table that weren't up to Maria's standards.

As the smoke rises from the present table fire, Maria's sister lifts up a balloon with an odd design on it: a scan of her child.

"If someone asks who that is, they have to leave the party," Maria announces. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be a rule in place for people who mistake the balloon to be a picture of lasagne.

Channel 7

As the baby shower approaches, the Melbourne Mums begin to wonder if the "competition" is truly on, because what is pregnancy if not a competition! Lorinska, next to host a baby shower, is worried she might outshine Maria at her own shindig, which is like a candle worrying it'll burn brighter than a forest fire.

For now, it's time for Maria to go get ready, and for us to finally look up at the world, remembering a time before this show started. Time to call our families and let them know we're ok, we made it. Until next week, that is.

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