I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) July 3, 2017
I've gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don't just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) July 5, 2017
Pro Tip: Don't tell your kids that you're going on vacation until exactly 2 seconds before you leave.
— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) July 6, 2017
If I’ve said it once, my kid has ignored me saying it a thousand times.
— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) July 3, 2017
I used to think that eating out alone was desperate. Now that I'm a parent, it sounds nothing short of glorious.
— And What a Mom! (@andwhatamom) July 5, 2017
Thou shalt not throw away the packaging to thine's offspring's new toy or thine ears shall be pierced with so much screaming.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) July 5, 2017
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Where in the fuck
Is your other shoe?
— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) July 4, 2017
Thank goodness I let my kids stay up until nearly midnight so that they'd sleep until the ripe ol' hour of 6:12 this morning
— Ash (@adult_mom) July 5, 2017
In pre-disappointment news, we're heading to the zoo where my 3 year old hopes to see a dragon.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) July 5, 2017
Friend without kids: You'd think after 3 hours of swimming your kids would be too tired to fight.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 2, 2017
July 4th is that magical day where 100% of parents who attend fireworks displays are forced to buy their kids glo-necklaces.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 4, 2017
"I feel like I'm watching a really weird movie right now."
— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) July 6, 2017
I can't wait until my son is a cool teen who thinks I'm super embarrassing so I can remind him that he used to beg to watch me poop
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) July 3, 2017
Them: Savor these days. Someday your house will be quiet and you won't hear "Mommy!" anymore.
— Karen Johnson (@21stcenturysahm) July 5, 2017
According to legend, when a mom reaches the bottom of the laundry basket there's a portal to another dimension. A quiet one with margaritas.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) July 5, 2017
There is no greater love than the love a mother has for her children, while they're sleeping.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) July 6, 2017
Parenting truth 1462:
If you ask a toddler for help with something, you'll get a lot of things except actual help.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) July 7, 2017
I always thought working in fast food as a teenager taught me a lot about the food waste problem in this country. Then I had a toddler.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 5, 2017
I pretended to be a dying rat to get my kid to sleep tonight in case you're expecting a baby & wondering what parenting will really be like.
— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) July 7, 2017
Got a hug from my son this morning. Pretty sure it was so he could wipe his nose on me.
— It'sReally10Months (@really10months) July 6, 2017