The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
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my dad has bad knees from jumping out of military aircraft in vietnam. i have carpal tunnel from stirring natural peanut butter.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) July 8, 2017
seven months into 2017 and ~still~ if you log off to eat dinner & watch british teen tv you miss 3-9 major, historic breaking news stories
— ✨dodai✨ (@dodaistewart) July 11, 2017
*eyeshadow on other people* wow they're so hip and daring
*eyeshadow on me* hello, I recently failed out of clown college
— maura quint (@behindyourback) July 7, 2017
me on new years: POSITIVE VIBESSS 2017 IS GONNA BE MY YEARR
me now: can I pls just have one good week
— farwz (@farwzz) July 10, 2017
I sure do watch a lot of HGTV for someone who just used a butter knife as a screwdriver.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 7, 2017
In times like these just remember that nothing can stop you from ordering a pizza
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) July 12, 2017
Oh don't be a fucking idiot, iPhone pic.twitter.com/4qZiJyxpko
— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) July 12, 2017
Singing "head, shoulders, knees and toes WHAT ARE THOSSSSSE" perfectly describes my immaturity despite motherhood
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) July 12, 2017
Walk in the club like "Oops my mistake I did not realize this was a club."
— erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) July 12, 2017
CONSPIRACY THEORY: the current government is an improv everywhere prank that went rogue
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 11, 2017
I'm so determind to teach my kid body positivity that last night during storytime I was like "Jabba the Hut is beautiful just the way he is"
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) July 12, 2017
it's get drunk and pretend I'm the lost member of Pentatonix o'clock
— Tracy Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) July 14, 2017
Benefit of living on the West Coast: By the time I wake up, all the East Coasters have distilled the news down into darkly hilarious tweets.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) July 12, 2017
Y'all consider this a date ? pic.twitter.com/SbAy246fMj
— maria (@cakefacedcutie) July 11, 2017
I'm doing my part to fight climate change through an ongoing series of romantic failures that will leave me childless
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) July 12, 2017
Dominoes would like me to remove them as my emergency contact.
— Monica (@Monicann86) July 14, 2017
please some foreign leader or spouse buy a novelty arm for the Trump Handshake so when he yanks it just comes off
— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) July 13, 2017
When you're trying to get out early on Friday + hear "just one more thing before you go..." pic.twitter.com/yqgzrEyNbJ
— Lauren Sivan (@LaurenSivan) July 14, 2017
If you're a man who can't remember to put a toilet seat down assume any woman who knows this thinks you're incompetent at everything else.
— Sarah Wood (@sarahwoodwriter) July 13, 2017
Trump told the First Lady of France that she’s “in such great shape.” I’m sure she’s been working out to defend herself from him.
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) July 13, 2017