After an intense first week of a season's worth of fights, the Bachelorettes were surprised by a first date card! Because that only happens every other day.
Front-runner Laura (Georgia Love the sequel) scored the solo date on Wednesday and – to the shock of absolutely no one – Matty picked her up on a boat. Another ocean date! The conversation was utterly scintillating and entirely about boats.
"Do you go on boats often?"
I don't go on boats often, but I like this boat. I like that boat too!"
"That's our boat!"
"That's our boat?"
"If I could, I would kiss a boat."
The word boat was said so much it started to lose all meaning, and sounded like a foreign word from an ancient language. "This isn't your boat?" Laura asked jokingly, but the sentence sounded garbled. We said a silent prayer for anyone who started the episode with a "drink every time they said 'boat'" rule.
Matty and Laura drew even closer (it's a pun) as they attempted to draw each other. They both laughed and had a great time while everyone watching at home checked their phones. Their drawings were... interesting, to say the least.
Sitting in front of another neglected cheese platter, Matty and Laura had the season's first kiss. Matty offered Laura a rose, saying that it was "one of the easiest first dates he'd ever been on". Then there was more smooching.
Back at the aptly named "drama cabana" Leah continued her rampage to be needlessly cruel to the other Bachelorettes before the group date card was read out. The lucky selection of Bachelorettes arrived at a medieval fair, "Welcome to England, 1509, Henry VIII has just been crowned," Osher explained.
Matty apparently lived in London for four years where he "immersed himself in the history and culture", which explained the date much like how Matty once googled a photo of a boat, thus explaining the 900 boat dates.
The Bachelorettes had to participate in a series of tasks dressed in costume gowns with the winners earning their seat at a banquet at the end of the evening.
The first task was catching piglets, and Leah almost instantly made it through to the banquet. Leah, still playing a cartoonish villain that feels jarringly out of sorts with the show, was less enthused about getting time with Matty and more about beating the other girls.
The second task was a combination of sack racing and the game of quoits where the women had to throw hoops onto metal spikes while standing in a potato sack. Now that's what we call quoit-us interruptus. Hayooo. The final task was an oldey timey match of football, because nothing says medieval times like football.
The banquet was one of those natural, casual meals where EVERYONE SAT ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE TABLE. Gross and bad for everyone's necks.
Leah continued to "ruffle feathers" as she put it, pushing the buttons of the others at the banquet and then went on a campaign to out-act Meryl Streep with a monologue about how she's TOO caring, and feels things TOO deeply. Matty looked at Leah with a confused apprehension of someone staring at an optometrist's eye chart, desperately hoping they won't have to get glasses.
Unfortunately at the end of night one, Akoulina went home, the ribbon thrower didn't even get a chance to say "it's not called gymNICEsticks".
On Thursday's episode we were thankfully spared the dreadful date card reading, with Matty revealing himself that Cobie was the next to score a single date. Matty arrived on horseback, ready to show Cobie he can be her mane man.
As Cobie and Matty flirted, the horse just started doing the most thunderous piss. When people say "I need to pee like a racehorse" this is exactly what they mean.
"This is like, really good," Cobie said, standing next to the Niagara Falls of horse pisses. Matty said nothing in return. The two went on a horse ride, Cobie grimacing the whole way. "Cobie hasn't complained once," Matty remarked, which is a truly low bar to set for a date.
Back at the house, the producers fed Jennifer and Leah more cruel lines about the other girls, especially Cobie, who has basically been nothing but the sweetest, precious flower.
Cobie continued to win hearts over by opening up to Matty and revealing more about her beautiful personality. Cobie is entirely too nice to be on a show like this, and then she broke the cardinal rule of 'The Bachelor'. She read a poem.
Luckily her dirty limerick worked, and Matty gave her a rose AND the second pash of the season!
Back at the mansion, Matty surprised the Bachelorettes with a gigantic Matty-themed Bachelor board game. More like bored game, know what we mean?
The squares included 'Go to jail', 'pick a Bachelorette to go back to the start' and 'banana cream pie a girl in the face'. The innuendo was too much to handle, and we passed out.
Simone was the first to get the opportunity to cream pie someone in the face, she chose Liz, because apparently Liz doesn't smile enough.
"Watching Simone creampie Liz was the best thing in the world," Jennifer actually said in what suddenly had become the filthiest episode of television this year. Soon, everyone was getting creampied left and right.
Cobie was given the opportunity to either kiss Matty in front of the girls or move forward on the game three spaces. She picked the three spaces, knowing she had pashed him on her solo date and not wanting to make the other Bachelorettes feel awkward. Regret was instantaneous.
It was surprising one of the girls didn't land on a square banishing them to the jungle until someone rolled a five or an eight.
At the cocktail party, Dutch Florence decided to get dressed up as an adult film version of a teacher, teaching Matty phrases in Dutch including "you have nice eyes" and "will you accept this rose". The whole thing was very reminiscent of Matty's magic show in Georgia's season except, in the theme of the episode, vamped up to the point where all they needed was a soft "bow chikka wow wow" soundtrack playing in the background.
Cobie approached Matty while he was talking to Simone, which set off dynamite with the other Bachelorettes, and that's when the episode deteriorated into pure chaos.
Surprise surprise, Jennifer and Leah led a witch hunt, screaming at the other women once again. It's almost as if Jennifer and Leah are constantly trying to stir up trouble for the sake of constructed drama.
After an explosive cocktail party, love coach Belinda didn't receive a rose, which was sad because she seemed like she was there for more genuine reasons than others.