It's been six whole days since someone screamed at a date card so you know what that means: 'The Bachelor' is back baby.
As the bachelorettes celebrated Munchkinland being freed from Jennifer's wrath, Simone lamented the fact that she STILL is yet to get a single date. Luckily Osher chose that moment to walk in and remind everyone how important it was to get single dates with Matty.
Simone didn't get the single date, Laura did. The clue was something about fate being "written in the stars", so Laura guessed they would see a psychic and then go to the "conservatorium" (she meant observatory). "BOOORING!" Matty replied, before taking her to see a psychic and then going to the conservatorium (we mean observatory).
Psychic Madeline sat in a gazebo, and felt the energy from Matty and Laura's jewelry, telling them that they were "compatible" but "honesty is important". What psychic insight!
Up in the conservatorium (observatory) Matty and Laura took turns checking out a big telescope and looked at Jupiter.
"Wow" Laura said. Then Matty gave Laura the opportunity to name a star with him. They decided to call it "Mattaura". Meanwhile, every scientist in the world was like, "We should stop letting randoms name things".
"He doesn't realise this is a 10,000 year commitment," Laura said like she was auditioning for 'Silence of the Lambs' the musical.
In a huge twist Matty and Laura then went to have some wine and not touch a cheese plate, that's when Laura revealed that she had feelings for Matty and he pashed her and gave her a rose.
The next day all the bachelorettes arrived at a kids party for the group date. "This is insane, this is amazing," Florence said to a table full of Woolies cupcakes.
Hanging on a clothesline were t-shirts with photos of each of the bachelorettes' faces on them. Matty had to pick which shirt matched which bachelorette. This is when the group discovered Simone was a little bit ginger growing up. "Simone's a ranga and we never even knew," Tara said, betrayed.
We also found out that Simone is gluten, wheat and dairy free. Just a lot of fun facts about Simone this week.
The first task the ladies had to complete was eating a donut off string. Simone's wheat free, gluten free, fun free donut was a shrivelled disc of sadness which she swallowed before all the other ladies could finish their donuts, most likely because they were overwhelmed with... you know... flavour.
Task two was writing a memory that shaped their life before inserting the paper into a balloon, blowing up the balloon and popping it by shoving their bodies into Matty's. They read out the memories which ranged from catching crabs with their grandpa to being called "pancake face" (Simone).
The next task was "pinning the heart on the bachelor" which meant Matty was blindfolded while the bachelorettes stuck heart stickers on him. Most of the ladies chose places like behind his ear, on his biceps or his "perfect arse" as Tara calls it. Simone whacked one right on his wang. "When you wear your suit pants," she explained, "it always goes... there".
Then Matty took each lady aside where he had an item from each of their childhood. The bachelorettes explained what the items were and what they meant to them. "These are water polo caps," Laura said about water polo caps. "It was really nice to relive that nostalgia," she explained while we celebrated our 800th birthday.
Then it was Simone's turn. "I have no idea what these are for," she said about ballet slippers. Matty asked her about her sentimental item and she just made an entire fake story up!
At the end of the group date Matty had to pick someone to get some alone time with, and obviously because Simone was so keen for some alone time... he picked Elise.
Elise seems too nice for this whole process, but because of her strong family ties, Matty bonded with her even further and then they had a super huge pash.
At the cocktail party, as the number of bachelorettes continues to whittle down the remaining women were starting to get more and more anxious about not having enough time with Matty. Except Lisa, who was just happy to have a drink and a laugh on the couch in complete silence.
Matty took Elora to the secret garden where he wondered about her commitment to Australia. She revealed she hadn't really picked where she had planned to settle down her roots, which didn't impress Matty.
Back on the couch Elise and Laura tried to figure out who was going to grab Matty for a chat next. Lisa sat in between them in complete silence. "I did feel a bit trapped," she said later, half referencing sitting in the middle of the tense conversation, but probably mostly referencing her time on the show.
At the end of the cocktail party Simone didn't receive a rose and had to pack up her ballet slippers and head off.
The next day everyone was reeling after the rose ceremony. "It's crazy, isn't it?" Lisa said to the other girls. "Wait, you're still here?" The other girls thought.
Both Lisa and Cobie were really keen for the single date but unfortunately it was Florence who scored it. Matty arrived in a helicopter because nothing says romance like screaming over the sound of thundering rotary blades.
Matty took florence and the chopper to a pot dealer. Get it? They were doing pottery. Haha. Nailed this one. No but really, for some reason Matty must think Florence loves crafts because in their last single date they made that creepy cast of their hands, and this time they were sitting in a field doing pottery.
Ok but in a weird turn of events we found out Matty had won awards in pottery? Like, he was genuinely very good at bowl making. Meanwhile, Florence made a... well she made a wang.
Matty obviously took over and they did their best impression of the pottery scene from 'Ghost'. Then they went to a couch that had been set up in the middle of the bush. It was all very romantic if you ignored the fact that there were definitely like... ten thousand spiders probably living in that couch.
Matty then demanded they have an open and honest conversation about their feelings. Florence basically said exactly what every other bachelorette has said in their open and honest conversation.
After their conversation, Florence and Matty had a pash (as always) but the music swelled so much it was like we had turned over to a Disney movie. Suddenly things got very interesting, was this the show trying to signal to us that Florence has muscled underdog Elise and best mate Tara out of the running to get to the final two (alongside Laura because surely she has this in the bag, right?).
The next group date was all about pushing through fears, after which one lucky bachelorette would get a romantic rooftop dinner with Matty.
First they had to write down their fears preventing them from falling in love on a piece of wood, surprisingly no one wrote "this wanky scenario" as their fear.
Laura and Lisa took some time to discuss their fears on camera. "I think rejection is definitely a fear I would have if... you know... gave any f**ks whatsoever," Lisa basically said. "Wait, you're still here?" Laura thought to herself.
The date turned into a quick boxing class before the ladies found out they'd be quite literally punching their fears. "I fear running out of wine before this episode is over," we thought out loud.
Cobie volunteered to punch her fear first, not realising she'd have to read it out first.
She was forced to read it out in front of everyone which was awful and she obviously got upset before making a loud "Hi-YA" and 'Karate Kid'-ing the hell out of her fears.
After Cobie revealed her heart to Matty he picked Tara to get the solo time and romantic dinner. Tara screamed her way up to a rooftop dinner, but not before sharing a drink with her best mate.
Sitting on the gorgeous rooftop, Matty was totally smitten with Tara. It was a stunning setting. He introduced her to their personal chef who was making... Pad Thai. "This is very relatable," we said, sitting on the couch at home alone in pajamas we haven't washed since May, ALSO eating Pad Thai.
Tara took the opportunity to put all her cards on the table and really lay it on the line. "When I'm with Tara she becomes the most important thing to me," Matty said. Ok, so we had a music swell with Florence, a really good bit of solo time with Tara, Laura still a front runner PLUS Elise playing the underdog?
Well if that wasn't enough to handle, Matty then took Cobie aside in the beginning of the cocktail party and thanked her for her honesty in the group date. After they had a chat and Cobie reiterated her strong feelings, HE GAVE HER AN EARLY ROSE! He couldn't have just waited five minutes for the rose ceremony?! Nope! Apparently not.
That provoked Elora to grab Matty and do a cocktail party stunt, which was cut out of the episode because it didn't fit the narrative, but what WAS shown was Elora trying to pull Matty aside and give him a kiss! Escandalo. Matty turned her down, which was all kinds of awkward.
All the other bachelorettes obviously found out about Elora's ploy and there were some very stern reaction shots (and also one shot of Lisa making the same face we make when you have to split a bill five ways and the restaurant won't work it out for you).
Still, even after her disastrous faux-pash, Elora was saved and Lisa unfortunately was shown the door. All the girls were really upset, "Hey Lisa," Matty said as if they were meeting for the first time. At least we've got all that Elora drama to look forward to next week.