The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
next time a guy asks me if i've watched "the wire" i'm gonna lie n say yes & then immediately demand if he's seen "broad city"
— caitlin white (@harmonicait) September 4, 2017
I really hate when ppl switch their profiles between public and private. Either let me creep on you or dont. Stop playing mind games with me
— Astrid Loch (@astrid_loch) September 1, 2017
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 8, 2017
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn't at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 6, 2017
No one ever mentioned that the rapture would last this long.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) September 6, 2017
The true cultural divide:
My Red State Dad: "Well but nobody likes the Dixie Chicks..."
Me, shook: "EVERYBODY likes The Dixie Chicks."
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) September 6, 2017
My favorite position is hovering over the sink eating a bag of shredded cheese
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) September 1, 2017
MY SISTER TEACHES CELLO
SHE REPORTS THAT HER NEW STUDENTS CALL SHARPS “HASHTAGS”
CONCERTO IN F HASHTAG
— Marian Call (@mariancall) September 6, 2017
[tries to do something basic with a google product]
[finds forum of 7 years of people with the same unresolved problem]
— wikipedia brown (@eveewing) September 6, 2017
house hunting shows are more effective at calming a panic attack than xanax. i am soothed by other people's terrible choices.
— Stephanie Marcus (@stephaniemarcus) September 8, 2017
Nursery rhymes are to poetry what pop songs are to music. They make no sense, they're super catchy, and only kids like them.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 8, 2017
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they've just committed murder.
— Julz&©offee (@lovejulieacafe) September 1, 2017
I juggled my phone when I stumbled, and I think I took a Facebook poll, posted to Snapchat and bought a 50lb bag of quinoa on Amazon.
— juicymorsel (@juicymorsel) September 8, 2017
every morning i wake up in a cold sweat, webmd says i suffer from the trump administration
— Ziwe (@ziwe) September 6, 2017
Technically millennials did predict that our parents joining Facebook would be the end of the world
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) September 7, 2017
COWORKER: there's free beer
ME: ever see a sad lady get drunk at 3 on a Thursday?
ME: [cracks knuckles] you're in for a treat
— move your feet katie (@katefeetie) September 7, 2017
if I order salad it should come chopped, I already did all of the hard work of ordering a salad and should not be expected to do more
— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 8, 2017