Nearly 20 years later, I still remember the struggle of growing up with a parent who had depression.
As a child, I didnât understand what my mother was going through. I remember her seeking treatment and asking my dad where she was. At the time, he told me she was dealing with âwomen problems,â and I took that to mean any number of things.
When I asked my dad about it recently, he admitted that he had no idea what to say and was afraid I wouldnât understand or might have more questions he couldnât answer. He thought that giving a generic answer would end the discussion â and it did â but it also ended any further exploration of the topic with my parents.
Currently, more than 20 percent of children are living with at least one parent who has depression, according to Erica Messer, a pediatric psychologist at Cincinnati Childrenâs Hospital in Ohio.
And with 1 in 5 American adults suffering from any kind of mental illness, itâs likely that many more children live in homes where itâs important to have a conversation about mental health.
How To Have A Productive Discussion About Mental Health
A lack of proper information and severe stigma around mental illness have historically made it difficult for families to have productive conversations about it.
But experts are now encouraging parents to push past the barriers and discuss depression and other mental health issues with their children. Depression can affect the entire family, including children, and conversing frequently about the changes and how everyone is feeling is an important part of recovery.
Here are some ways to plan and carry out the discussion:
Donât wait until a child is older to bring up the topic.
Even if you have very young children who are still developing language skills, itâs important to prepare to have conversations with them about mental illness.
âDepression has an effect on children even as young as infants,â Messer said. âParents who are depressed arenât engaging with their children often or are unable to soothe their children. When theyâre depressed, itâs harder to get out of bed or speak âmothereseâ to the child.â
If youâre co-parenting, talk to your partner about what you want to say.
Itâs best to present a united front, according to Abigail Schlesinger, medical director of the Outpatient Behavioral Health and Child and Family Counseling Center at the Childrenâs Hospital of Pittsburgh of UPMC. Itâs critical for both parents to be on the same page in terms of what they plan to speak about.
Realize that your child may already know something is wrong.
Children are extremely perceptive, Schlesinger points out, and will begin to notice if a parent is feeling irritable or unable to play with them. Parents should try to spend as much time with their children as they can and ask the other parent to help or provide additional support when needed.
Reassure your child that mental health issues are no oneâs fault.
âIn elementary school, itâs likely your child will start asking questions about whatâs wrong,â Schlesinger said. âMake sure to connect the word âdepressionâ to your conversations.â
âThey may not understand entirely what youâre talking about, but itâs important to take the blame from the person and place it on the condition, she added. âMake sure the child knows itâs not Mommy or Daddyâs fault that theyâre feeling this way.â
Itâs OK if you donât have all the answers.
If youâre unsure how to respond to a question, itâs OK to tell your child that you donât know the answer but will get back to them, Schlesinger said. Children often ask questions because they want to make sure everyone is doing their best and that the family is OK.
Above all, take steps to eliminate stigma around mental health.
Messer reminds parents that conversations should reflect that mental illness is an illness just like any other. Talk with younger children about how it can affect the brain. Parents should help remove the stigma and taboos surrounding mental illness by being open, she explained.
Attempting to have conversations with children when theyâre younger will help keep the mental health discussion going as the child grows older â and that can have a positive outcome for years to come.