As I sat on the beach being amazing, I started to think about my relationship with my body. I haven't always known how to love it.
In my younger years, I actually used to throw up after eating. But now that my body is my queen, I'm so embarrassed that I would put Her Highness through that.
This strange compulsion to eat loads of really poor-quality food as fast as you can, spaced perfectly with water to keep a fluid consistency that is easier to bring up.
Enjoyable. You can't really enjoy the feeling of eating while you're plagued with this uncontrollable guilt.
The satisfaction of throwing your lunch up is probably the closest thing you get to enjoyment with bulimia. And then, no matter how many times you wash your hands, you pretty much always smell a little bit like spew. Eww. I know.
I remember taking my top off before I did it to minimise the chances of getting vomit on my clothes. I bent over and plunged my fingers down my throat. I was violently gagging in a bid to get every bit of food up and out.
Then I caught a glimpse of myself in the shower door reflection, tits slapping against the toilet, head inside the bowl. I looked like a withdrawing drug addict. I wasn't even skinny, which made me feel like I couldn't pull the 'eating disorder' card. I couldn't even succeed at the eating disorder that clearly had its claws in.
I was kind of chubs and, for some reason, I had this ingrained belief that if I lost 10kg, all my problems would just flush away with my half-digested-pasta spew.
My eating disorder convinced me that I didn't even deserve to have an eating disorder, in order to stop me from getting help. Eating disorders are sneaky little bastards.
Eventually, self-love crept in. I was very lucky -- I was struck mildly with an eating disorder, self-love is strong and steady, it requires time and patience but...
Self-love always wins.
So today, as I sit here, bum on sand, loving myself sick, letting everyone enjoy the view of my incredibly strong, clever and sexy bod, I want to pass on this message to anybody that isn't engulfed in self-love or positive body image yet.
Start small, say one positive thing about your body every day. Your mind will follow your mouth.
You will get there. Don't ever give up on a positive body image, even if you hate the way you look today and feel ashamed of your body today, you might not feel like that tomorrow. One day you might be a totally vain bitch like me who loves every inch of her divine queen body.
Self-love always wins.
This post was originally published on queensofconstance.com
For further information about eating disorders, contact The Butterfly Foundation or talk to your GP, local health professional or someone you trust.