This subject is probably one of the most annoying things in my life besides my husband's loud chewing and the kids' toe nail/boogie picking. Don't get me wrong, I've come a long way with my weight issues and nowadays I actually don't care about "the number" and I don't even hate my body anymore. In fact, I totally accept it and most days I quite like it. Sure, it's not a Ferrari, but it's a pretty economical and reliable station wagon and for that I am grateful.
BUT. But. But. But.
How is it that when a man says "I'm going on a diet!" he simply quits one or two things, such as beer or Coke (and instead takes up vodka and creaming soda), eats pretty much as he usually does after the healthy food thing wears off a few days in, then does a gigantic crap one morning and magically loses 6kg? Boom! Goal weight in well under a fortnight, motherf**ker!
Yet when a woman says "I'm eating healthy and changing my lifestyle" it is a serious declaration. She gives up coffee, she gives up wine, she gives up sugar and flour and starchy carbs. She takes up green drinks that taste like cold vegetable soup mixed with the grass out the back... in fact, she increases her intake of everything remotely green grass looking. She limits her portion sizes at meal times using a side plate to trick her brain, she drinks 2 litres of filtered water and exercises for a minimum of 30 minutes every day. She meditates and cleanses her soul, keeps a food journal and spends most of her day in the kitchen preparing and cleaning up healthy meals for her and her family. She has never been 'healthier' yet she is constipated for six out of seven days and when she's not in the kitchen prepping/cooking/cleaning she is on the toilet urinating like some kind of wee God. She resists the urge to weigh in because it is about a lifestyle choice and not a number but surely 18 days of pure good health will harbour some results that are worth seeing...
Am I right?
Arrrr... Nup! A measly 300g gone! How can that be?
Lucky for him, I feel good about myself anyway. I'm not hangry which means he gets to live and I am okay with not losing a single kilo which is good because otherwise I might just have to lace his food with laxatives. But then he would gloat even more over the diarrhoea weight loss. He actually would.
So what the f**k is happening here?
Well this is what it feels like is happening...
The Man body says: "Let's not f**k around mate. We've got a piss up next week and we ain't telling the boys we can't drink coz we are on a diet. So process every fat cell in sight at lightening speed and drop an ungodly 2kg log on day six! Job done!" Cue the naked mirror happy helicopter dance and bicep pashing.
The Woman body says: "Huh? What? We are trying to lose weight? Oh, I thought you said wait! Wait and hold on to every fat cell and digested green bit until it is safe to let it go... Let it go... Let it goooo... Oh, but I can't. Yes you can! Let's do this! This is your time! No... No... I'm not ready... Oh but you are... But what if we need to reserve our fat cells for possible starvation? What the f**k are you on about?" and on and so forth...
What is actually happening?
Women have oestrogen -- which helps with the obvious procreation thing -- but this funny little hormone makes it harder for us to burn fat after a meal.
Simply put, men have more muscle than women and the more muscle you have the more fat you burn. Hence the reason they shed it quicker. Men also have 10 times more testosterone than women, which means their metabolism is 5-10 percent faster than women.
Women have oestrogen -- which helps with the obvious procreation thing -- but this funny little hormone makes it harder for us to burn fat after a meal. Yes, it makes us hold onto it. Which is great if we are in the dark ages and food is scarce. Women also have more cravings -- I don't know why but the research says so. Research also says we are more likely to turn to emotional eating -- yay for us.
And this all must be true because I googled it. So blame the testosterone/oestrogen you don't have/have. Men may have the weight loss edge over us but we can do so much more than they can -- like get aroused without anyone noticing, have multiple orgasms, wear male clothing without anyone raising an eyebrow, multi-task and, if we want, we can push a gigantic baby out of our vagina.
So f**k the testosterone and their fast weight loss. Feel good inside and outside because that is all that really matters.
If you would like to submit a blog to HuffPost Australia, send a 500-800-word post through to email@example.com
ALSO ON HUFFPOST AUSTRALIA