For many, the pervasiveness of the dick pic has put a bit of a damper on online dating and modern courtship.
While there’s nothing inherently wrong with a sexy pic ― it can be incredibly hot if you’re really familiar with your partner or you’re positive they want it ― when it comes unrequested, it’s a little jarring and way too forward.
What’s more, you’re probably not turning on the receiver as much as you’d like to think; many women get more aroused by activating their imagination than by having a visual right in front of them, said Kendra Hamilton, a somatic sex educator with a YouTube channel.
“Being turned on purely by visual stimuli is more commonly effective for cisgendered men, but cisgendered women tend to be more responsive to a story or descriptor ― especially those specific to them ― because it activates them emotionally, which is a huge component of female arousal.”
She added, “Speaking from a heteronormative perspective, I believe dick pics are never the best option for getting her fired up.”
Below, women share the sexts they’d rather receive than another unrequested photo of someone’s dong. Dick-pic-happy men out there, please bookmark this.
Talk about the, er, effect your partner has on you.
“‘I was just dreaming about you and now my pants are much tighter all of a sudden.’ You’re describing to your partner how you are turning them on and what you are experiencing.” ― Heather McPherson, a couple’s therapist and sex therapist in Austin and Denver
Describe a hot moment you shared.
“Send your partner a text reminiscing about one of your favorite sexual memories together. Something like, ‘Remember that trip we took to Mexico? And what we did out on the balcony of that one hotel? I can’t stop thinking about that.’ Referring back to past experiences is great because you don’t have to come up with something creative in the moment. You’re just drawing from your own memories! Plus, they’re good memories that should get both of you fired up. You could even do something simpler, like, ‘I’ve been thinking about last Wednesday night all day long today.’” ― Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and online course creator
Once you bring up a sexy memory, dive deeper.
“You can never go wrong with texting something hot that’s already happened. That way, your partner can visualize what you’re thinking about, relive the moment themselves, and it lets them know exactly what you loved about that sexual encounter. Say something like, ’I can’t stop thinking about the time when we were at the beach under the blanket, and you slowly started to undress me and touch me all over.’ This gives them a mental note for the next time you’re actually having sex ― you like when they move slow ― plus it serves up plenty of different directions to take the conversation. They can ask why you liked it so much, they can say what they liked about that time or they can add something they’d like to slightly change to elevate it for future encounters.” ― Emily Morse, a doctor of human sexuality and host of the SiriusXM Radio show and podcast “Sex with Emily”
Give a command.
“When I get a sext from a dude, I’m turned off by phrases that start with ‘I want you’ or ‘I need you.’ I don’t want neediness. I want a command that asks for a response, something that’s not too aggressive off the top, that invites my own imagination to engage: Maybe ‘Wear a skirt’ or ‘Tell me what you think about when you touch yourself.’ And when the message is that my pleasure is the focus right off the top, bam, wet.” ― Bryde MacLean, co-host and co-producer of the podcast “Turn Me On”
Tell your partner what you’re going to do and how you’re going to do it.
“Here’s the thing about sexting: suggestive is hot, obvious is not. It’s easy to send a dick pic or to throw the F-word around. That’s exactly what makes it a whole lot less sexy than creating a scene that requires the receiver to fill in all the blanks. Say something like, ‘I can’t stop thinking about your hands. About the way my body feels when they’re on me. About the things they do to me. About how electric my skin feels when they glide across it. Tonight I’m in your hands. Completely.’” ― Jenny Block, writer and author of “Be That Unicorn: Find Your Magic, Live Your Truth, and Share Your Shine”
Take a mundane moment at work and make it sexy.
“Say, ‘I’m stuck in this meeting and all I can think about is you bending me over the kitchen table later.’ Sexting is basically a digital form of foreplay. You’re letting your partner know that you’re thinking about having sex with them while you’re at your day job. This text will give your partner something to think about for the rest of the day. And when you get home, you’ll probably get bent over the kitchen table.” ― Gigi Engle, certified sex coach, sexologist, and author of “All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life”
Ask them about their turn-ons. (And use those emojis!)
“Obviously, don’t send a sext if you’re not sure the person will appreciate it. But if all goes well, I adore getting to know what the person is into: what turns them on, if they’re into any kinks. I like someone I’m sexting to jump straight in and ask if I’m ‘Into anything kinky?’ or one that really grabs my attention: ’What you searching in your porn browser these days?′ It gives you a really clear idea if you’ll click sexually or not.
“But I would only type these if you’re 100% positive they want to chat dirty, otherwise it could come across creepy as hell. With sexting, please type with caution, as many people are very private about their turn-ons and it can make some uncomfortable to talk about it. So, if they’re not enthusiastically replying then take the hint! If they are, go for it and do use emojis. (Though no excessive use of the eggplant!)” ― Reed, co-host of the YouTube channel Come Curious and a podcast called “F**ks Given”
If you’re more of a tame sexter, that’s OK, too.
“I’d rather receive a sext instead of a dick pic that goes something along the lines of: ‘Chatting with you is making me all hot and bothered (hot/sweating emoji).’ People want to receive something that activates their mind and encourage sexy talk without coming across seedy. Also, if they’re not in the mood to sext, you don’t want to send something too jarring.” ― Florence, co-host of the YouTube channel Come Curious and a podcast called “F**ks Given”
If you’ve been together for a while, R-rated humor is fine.
“It’s at moments like this when I’m not sure if being married has hampered my ability to flirt or just severely changed it. But my favorite sexts are funny. In real life, my partner might never say something like, ‘Haaaaaay gurl, wanna bang?’ or ‘Just to let you know, I washed my junk,’ but if he texted those, I’d consider jumping into bed after I stopped laughing. Look, sex gets different after you’re married.” ― Yvette d’Entremont, a public speaker and science blogger
Tell your partner how much you love their body.
“‘I can’t wait to come home and explore your curves, just thinking about your body turns me on. I want to show you how much it turns me on.’ You’re telling your partner why you are turned on. Instead of sending a dick pic to show that you’re turned on, you describe why. And this provides reassurance to a body-conscious partner that you find their body not only sexy but also arousing.” ― McPherson
“Send texts that tell your partner how much you want to honor/worship/explore her entire body. Many women crave this as they are so used to receiving touch that goes right for the genitals. Write something like, ‘I can’t stop thinking about how I want to worship every inch of your body the next time I see you.’ When my lover says this to me, I feel like a total goddess. The word worship suggests my queendom, as well as how much my lover reveres me. And his desire to explore every inch lets me know that he sees me as a whole and wants to give me as much pleasure as possible for me as opposed to for him.” ― Amy Baldwin, sex educator and co-host of the podcast “Shameless Sex”