For many, the pervasiveness of the dick pic has put a bit of a damper on online dating and modern courtship.
While thereâs nothing inherently wrong with a sexy pic â it can be incredibly hot if youâre really familiar with your partner or youâre positive they want it â when it comes unrequested, itâs a little jarring and way too forward.
Whatâs more, youâre probably not turning on the receiver as much as youâd like to think; many women get more aroused by activating their imagination than by having a visual right in front of them, said Kendra Hamilton, a somatic sex educator with a YouTube channel.
âBeing turned on purely by visual stimuli is more commonly effective for cisgendered men, but cisgendered women tend to be more responsive to a story or descriptor â especially those specific to them â because it activates them emotionally, which is a huge component of female arousal.â
She added, âSpeaking from a heteronormative perspective, I believe dick pics are never the best option for getting her fired up.â
Below, women share the sexts theyâd rather receive than another unrequested photo of someoneâs dong. Dick-pic-happy men out there, please bookmark this.
Talk about the, er, effect your partner has on you.
ââI was just dreaming about you and now my pants are much tighter all of a sudden.â Youâre describing to your partner how you are turning them on and what you are experiencing.â â Heather McPherson, a coupleâs therapist and sex therapist in Austin and Denver
Describe a hot moment you shared.
âSend your partner a text reminiscing about one of your favorite sexual memories together. Something like, âRemember that trip we took to Mexico? And what we did out on the balcony of that one hotel? I canât stop thinking about that.â Referring back to past experiences is great because you donât have to come up with something creative in the moment. Youâre just drawing from your own memories! Plus, theyâre good memories that should get both of you fired up. You could even do something simpler, like, âIâve been thinking about last Wednesday night all day long today.ââ â Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and online course creator
Once you bring up a sexy memory, dive deeper.
âYou can never go wrong with texting something hot thatâs already happened. That way, your partner can visualize what youâre thinking about, relive the moment themselves, and it lets them know exactly what you loved about that sexual encounter. Say something like, âI canât stop thinking about the time when we were at the beach under the blanket, and you slowly started to undress me and touch me all over.â This gives them a mental note for the next time youâre actually having sex â you like when they move slow â plus it serves up plenty of different directions to take the conversation. They can ask why you liked it so much, they can say what they liked about that time or they can add something theyâd like to slightly change to elevate it for future encounters.â â Emily Morse, a doctor of human sexuality and host of the SiriusXM Radio show and podcast âSex with Emilyâ
Give a command.
âWhen I get a sext from a dude, Iâm turned off by phrases that start with âI want youâ or âI need you.â I donât want neediness. I want a command that asks for a response, something thatâs not too aggressive off the top, that invites my own imagination to engage: Maybe âWear a skirtâ or âTell me what you think about when you touch yourself.â And when the message is that my pleasure is the focus right off the top, bam, wet.â â Bryde MacLean, co-host and co-producer of the podcast âTurn Me Onâ
Tell your partner what youâre going to do and how youâre going to do it.
âHereâs the thing about sexting: suggestive is hot, obvious is not. Itâs easy to send a dick pic or to throw the F-word around. Thatâs exactly what makes it a whole lot less sexy than creating a scene that requires the receiver to fill in all the blanks. Say something like, âI canât stop thinking about your hands. About the way my body feels when theyâre on me. About the things they do to me. About how electric my skin feels when they glide across it. Tonight Iâm in your hands. Completely.ââ â Jenny Block, writer and author of âBe That Unicorn: Find Your Magic, Live Your Truth, and Share Your Shineâ
Take a mundane moment at work and make it sexy.
âSay, âIâm stuck in this meeting and all I can think about is you bending me over the kitchen table later.â Sexting is basically a digital form of foreplay. Youâre letting your partner know that youâre thinking about having sex with them while youâre at your day job. This text will give your partner something to think about for the rest of the day. And when you get home, youâll probably get bent over the kitchen table.â â Gigi Engle, certified sex coach, sexologist, and author of âAll The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Lifeâ
Ask them about their turn-ons. (And use those emojis!)
âObviously, donât send a sext if youâre not sure the person will appreciate it. But if all goes well, I adore getting to know what the person is into: what turns them on, if theyâre into any kinks. I like someone Iâm sexting to jump straight in and ask if Iâm âInto anything kinky?â or one that really grabs my attention: âWhat you searching in your porn browser these days?âČ It gives you a really clear idea if youâll click sexually or not.
âBut I would only type these if youâre 100% positive they want to chat dirty, otherwise it could come across creepy as hell. With sexting, please type with caution, as many people are very private about their turn-ons and it can make some uncomfortable to talk about it. So, if theyâre not enthusiastically replying then take the hint! If they are, go for it and do use emojis. (Though no excessive use of the eggplant!)â â Reed, co-host of the YouTube channel Come Curious and a podcast called âF**ks Givenâ
If youâre more of a tame sexter, thatâs OK, too.
âIâd rather receive a sext instead of a dick pic that goes something along the lines of: âChatting with you is making me all hot and bothered (hot/sweating emoji).â People want to receive something that activates their mind and encourage sexy talk without coming across seedy. Also, if theyâre not in the mood to sext, you donât want to send something too jarring.â â Florence, co-host of the YouTube channel Come Curious and a podcast called âF**ks Givenâ
If youâve been together for a while, R-rated humor is fine.
âItâs at moments like this when Iâm not sure if being married has hampered my ability to flirt or just severely changed it. But my favorite sexts are funny. In real life, my partner might never say something like, âHaaaaaay gurl, wanna bang?â or âJust to let you know, I washed my junk,â but if he texted those, Iâd consider jumping into bed after I stopped laughing. Look, sex gets different after youâre married.â â Yvette dâEntremont, a public speaker and science blogger
Tell your partner how much you love their body.
ââI canât wait to come home and explore your curves, just thinking about your body turns me on. I want to show you how much it turns me on.â Youâre telling your partner why you are turned on. Instead of sending a dick pic to show that youâre turned on, you describe why. And this provides reassurance to a body-conscious partner that you find their body not only sexy but also arousing.â â McPherson
âSend texts that tell your partner how much you want to honor/worship/explore her entire body. Many women crave this as they are so used to receiving touch that goes right for the genitals. Write something like, âI canât stop thinking about how I want to worship every inch of your body the next time I see you.â When my lover says this to me, I feel like a total goddess. The word worship suggests my queendom, as well as how much my lover reveres me. And his desire to explore every inch lets me know that he sees me as a whole and wants to give me as much pleasure as possible for me as opposed to for him.â â Amy Baldwin, sex educator and co-host of the podcast âShameless Sexâ
Sex Ed for Grown-Ups is a series tackling everything you didnât learn about sex in school â beyond the birds and the bees. Keep checking back for more expert-based articles and personal stories.