My husband and I decided we don't want to have children.— Natasha (@dramadelinquent) November 11, 2019
We will be telling them tonight.
Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 13, 2019
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?— Prime Nate (@GorillaNipples1) August 24, 2019
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 13, 2019
7-year-old: *hands me a plate of toy food*— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2019
Me: Mmm. Tastes like plastic.
7: Just like what you make.
No one tells you that most of parenting is going through your phone to decide which blurry photo to keep out of the 729 selfies your kid took of themself.— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) September 9, 2019
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 5, 2019
Wife: We’re playing jail. Pretend to be the 2yo’s prisoner.— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) May 13, 2019
“I had my kids close in age so they would have someone to play with,” she yells over her children’s incessant fighting.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 12, 2019
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 21, 2019
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Me: I try really hard to not lie to my kids— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 15, 2019
Also me: We can’t go to Disney world it’s locked
Welcome to parenthood. Everyone’s hungry, just not for that.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 19, 2019
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don't know who I trust to babysit my child.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) October 19, 2019
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
No one:— MumInBitsmas (@MumInBits) December 18, 2019
3: mummy always burns our food
You don’t know what stress is until you watch your 2 year old try to spread cream cheese on a bagel.— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) November 21, 2019
I accidentally emailed 2 entire schools asking who Luna’s boy-friend is instead of just her teachers because she doesn’t know his name.— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) September 12, 2019
My son’s 4th grade music class is learning to play “Get Down on It” on the recorder and I’m nominating his teacher for all the awards— Kristin (@FeralCrone) October 21, 2019
Me: What's the first rule of cooking?— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) November 13, 2019
4: Don't put your hands in your butt.
When your toddler can open the door themselves in the middle of the night congratulations, you live in a haunted house now.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) November 8, 2019
Saw a bumper sticker that said My Other Ride Is Your Mom and my son asked if his mom was giving people piggy back rides so basically don’t ever teach your child to read— 🎄Vision Bored, Sugar Plum Fairy🎄 (@VisionBored1) December 12, 2019
[at my funeral]— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 11, 2019
MY KID: *leans into my coffin and whispers* can i play a game on your phone?
cashier: how old are your kids?— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) December 3, 2019
me: two, four, six, eight
cashier: *laughing* who do we appreciate
me: alcohol! *points to cart*
cashier: but damn...
[buying shoes for our kids]— Christopher Ashman (@CAshmanActor) July 31, 2019
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
The only time my child closes a door is when I am right behind her with my hands full.— Amber Leventry (they/them) (@AmberLeventry) August 14, 2019
No one:— professor x is a baldheaded scallywag (@Steph_I_Will) September 27, 2019
Toddlers mad because you didn’t put their socks on a specific way: pic.twitter.com/TG01fFQcsm
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?— The Elftastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) November 15, 2019
Me: Of course. Here you go.
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I live in fear of the things I may have agreed to while absent-mindedly saying “uh-huh” to my kids.— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 12, 2019
I don’t know what kind of life I envisioned myself having at this age, but watching a half-naked toddler lick the frosting off a Pop-Tart while sitting on my chest at 5:45 in the morning was almost definitely not a part of it.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 23, 2019
I hope to someday be as confident as my 3 year old who thinks she’s having fruit snacks for breakfast.— That Mom Tho 🍅 (@mom_tho) September 12, 2019
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 19, 2019
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
It’s funny how you can tell a kid you’ll give them a small piece of chocolate in one year, three months, and 10 days and they’ll be ready at 5am the day of to collect but “did you wash your hands?” is still something that has to be asked 15x every day forever.— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) January 10, 2019
I talk a lot of shit for someone who routinely struggles to open the same baby gate we've owned for years.— Momtribevibe 🎄🌲🎄 (@momtribevibe) November 13, 2019
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) November 13, 2019
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Family vacations are just day after day of your kid begging to go back to the hotel so they can swim in the pool.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 13, 2019
My toddler explaining literally anything pic.twitter.com/H1rOnLUUOr— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 14, 2019
Yes I gave birth, but I haven’t bought those little month numbers and laid my child next to them like a tiny, happy crime scene victim and taken a picture of that and posted it to Instagram so in that sense I am not a mother.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) October 3, 2019
If you remember the exact time that your second child was born, you're a better person than I.— Ｍｏｍｚｉｌｌａ (@milliondollrfam) November 21, 2019
asked my son what his favorite part of aquaman was & he said “the part with the water” so maybe it’s time we reevaluate common core— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) January 3, 2019
Me: *on the toilet*— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) July 6, 2019
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh... *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
If you don’t kick your kid’s toy across the room after your trip on it, are you even a parent?— 𝔻𝕒𝕚𝕤𝕖𝕕&𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕗𝕦𝕤𝕖𝕕🌻 (@ihoplollipop) March 11, 2019
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) May 29, 2019
My 3 year old just told me I’m the Best Mommy Ever. I’m super excited to put that next to the Worst Mommy Ever trophy she awarded me last night.— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) October 23, 2019
[drive thru window]— ❄️sleigh❄️clops (@aotakeo) August 26, 2019
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I can’t tell if this is my kid’s class roster or a list of the Instagram filters— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) September 23, 2019
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me "any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon" & I have not been able to fall back asleep— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) January 26, 2019
Me to child in the toy aisle:— Amanda Marcotte | Mediocre Mommy (@storiesofamom) September 26, 2019
“you do not have to touch EVERY single toy in this store. STOP TOUCHING EVERYTHING.”
Also me, in Homegoods:
*touches every blanket and pillow in the blanket and pillow aisles*
If my kid’s toys ever come to life, I’m doing the sensible thing and claiming them on my taxes— Dave (@pittdave13) July 8, 2019
The funny thing about being a parent is when you go out, people asks where your child is— Elderly Millenial (@IModelontheWknd) January 13, 2019
I just started telling people he’s out back shooting dice
5y/o and I made cupcakes. After handing one to his dad he said, condescendingly "Here's yours, daddy. Don't eat the paper part."— Adventures In Babyshitting 🎄 (@KMoFlo_official) February 18, 2019