Chrissy Teigen opened up about her heartbreaking pregnancy loss in a powerful essay published on Medium.
The model and her husband, John Legend, announced on Sept. 30 that their son Jack had not survived the pregnancy complications Teigen faced. In the weeks that followed, Teigen took a break from posting on social media, but she broke her silence on Tuesday to share her emotional post, simply titled, “Hi.”
“I didn’t really know how I would start this, no matter the room or state I was in, but it feels right to begin with a thank you,” she wrote. “For weeks, our floors have been covered in flowers of kindness. Notes have flooded in and have each been read with our own teary eyes. Social media messages from strangers have consumed my days, most starting with, ‘you probably won’t read this, but…’. I can assure you, I did.”
In the essay, Teigen describes her experience with partial placenta abruption during her pregnancy, from wearing adult diapers as she continuously bled to trying “bags and bags of blood transfusions” that didn’t seem to help.
“After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming — it was time to say goodbye. He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either,” she wrote.
“I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness,” she continued. “Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness.”
Teigen addressed the hospital photos she shared on her Instagram, which she asked her mom and Legend to take, “no matter how uncomfortable it was.” She felt strongly about having them for herself and to share with others.
“I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos,” she wrote. “How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done. I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.”
The tear-jerking essay describes the birth, the moment of goodbye, the plans to put Jack’s ashes into the soil of a tree at their new home, and her grief in the aftermath of the loss. She encouraged others to share their stories of loss, while also expressing despair that sharing her experience brought sadness to others.
“I feel bad our grief was so public because I made the joy so public,” Teigen wrote. “I was excited to share our news with the world. Stories leading up to this had been chronicled for all. It’s hard to look at them now. I was so positive it would be okay. I feel bad that I made you all feel bad. I always will.”